


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 1

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Swear A Lot, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains extreme nitpicking of absolutely every minute scene, many references to things no one's heard of, and lots and lots of kittehs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh HUZZAH FOR CHILD ABUSE

A/N: I began this series on August 20, 2010. Over three years later, they were removed from fanfiction dot net because apparently using script format on that site is akin to steamrolling newborn kittens for funzies. I heard this place was so much cooler and better in every way, so here we are. HAY GAIS!

Warnings: I'm very, very fond of crude language and dark humor, so there will be lots of swears and limbs falling off and dead people jokes, because I'm sadistic like that. Also, there will be a crapload of references; mostly from the books, a lot from StarKid's musicals, and other stuff you've probably never heard of.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Producers, Little Shop of Horrors, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Kyo Kara Maoh!, Finding Nemo, Guardians of Ga'Hoole, FLCL, Death Note, or Rifftrax.

~Also, I am quite proud/deeply ashamed that I wrote all of this without once glancing at the books or movies.~

Owl: *is conveniently sitting on a sign post telling us where we are before it flies off. And explodes*

Dumbledore: *randomly appears, looking absolutely FABULOUS*

Book readers: *checking book description* High heeled boots? How did we not see anything coming?!

KITTY!: *is there*

iheartmwpp: It's really depressing that I can remember that he clicked the Deluminator five times without once glancing at the movie.

KITTY!: Meow.

Dumbledore: 'Sup, dawg?

KITTY!: *uses a cheap but still freaking awesome shadow effect to transform into Maggie Smith*

McGonagall: I'm a cat, you idiot! So anyway, is everyone we know and love dead or worse?

Dumbledore: Pretty much, yeah. And those who aren't are going to be living in unimaginable misery for the next decade or so.

McGonagall: Speaking of which, where's Harry?

Dumbledore: Hagrid's bringing him.

McGonagall: We're doomed.

Sirius's motorbike: *appears*

Sirius's fangirls: OMG SIRI'S MOTORBIKE! WE LOVES YOU SIRI!

Hagrid: Shut up, you lot, the bikes' mine now, bitches! Oh, an' I brought the baby.

Dumbledore: Sweet. No problems, I trust?

Hagrid: Well, not if yeh count me basically havin’ ter kidnap him wha’ with Sirius fightin' tooth an' nail fer the boy ter grow up in a place where he'll actually be loved an' where a crapload o' stuff could 'ave been avoided.

Dumbledore: Yeah really, who needs that, right? *takes baby*

McGonagall: Actually, why aren't we giving him to Sirius? I've watched these Muggles all day, they're horrible!

Dumbledore: Aw, come on, they can't be that bad—

McGonagall: I saw the fat one drowning several kittens in a vat of tequila and then drinking the whole thing. With the bloody corpses of the kittens still in it.

Dumbledore: …Still, they're the only family he has—

Obsessive Fandom: Um, Sirius? Remus? Lily's parents or possible other relatives apart from Tuney? Anyone on his father's side? Hello?!

McGonagall: This boy will be so freaking famous! There won't be a child on the entire planet who hasn't at least heard the general plot! People will be lining up outside bookstores and movie theaters, douchebags will be shouting spoilers out of car windows, creepy fanboys will do inappropriate things with the action figures, there'll be an entire frigging THEME PARK devoted to this guy!

Dumbledore: Exactly! Which is why we need to milk this franchise for every knut it can give us! First step: gain a sympathy card with the abusive family back story!

McGonagall: Ah, so that's the real reason…

Dumbledore: …YOU HEARD NOTHING! Though this scene also adds fuel to the arguments of those who think I'm nothing more than a manipulative bastard who's trying to do absolutely everything for the Greater Good; either that or I want to rule the Wizarding World myself, or take over from Voldemort, or whatever. *sniffs* Why did JKR kind of prove them right with Book Seven, even if it wasn't to the extent that everyone thought?

Hagrid: *bawls his eyes out, which every other parody I've read makes fun of despite the fact that Lily and James kind of just died. People always seem to forget that this children's series starts out with a double murder*

Dumbledore: There, there—

Hagrid: *sniff* Where, where?

Dumbledore: —You'll see him in about twenty minutes, get over yourself, ya pansy!

McGonagall: Wait, wait, wait, you're just leaving him here on a doorstep? In November?

Dumbledore: Don't worry, the blankets should keep him warm enough—

McGonagall: And what if he rolls out of them? Furthermore, what if he wakes up? Most babies start to walk by the time they're nine months, Harry's freaking fifteen months! What if he wakes up and wanders off? Hell, what if someone kidnaps him?

Hagrid: An' I think the book might 'ave mentioned tha' it was gonna rain tonight.

iheartmwpp: I've definitely read at least one fic where he does freeze to death. Can't remember which one, though, it was several years ago and I can't remember two weeks ago.

Dumbledore: LIES! ALL LIES! I'm totally making the right choices here! *randomly bursts into song* So don't worry…about a thing!/Every little thing…is gonna be all right!

McGonagall: …You just dropped him on his head.

Dumbledore: Oh, he's fine, I'm sure there will be no ill side effects.

McGonagall: I weep for the future of the Wizarding World.

Audience who's read all seven books: As do we. *sniff*

~Harry's scar is apparently a PowerPoint projector. And also looks more like the letter N than a bolt of lightning. Just sayin'.~

Aunt Petunia: And here we are, the Dursleys, a family who will do absolutely everything to be normal! That's why we lock our nephew in a cupboard and spoil our own child rotten with absolutely no attempts to control his behavior! That's totally what normal people do! Right? RIGHT?

Harry: Yes, yes, my eyes are blue despite that them being green is a freaking HUGE plot point that no one iheart knew saw coming, get over it.

Audience: Well, he is still freaking adorable…

Dudley: I find the fact that my parents partake in child abuse rather amusing! WHEEEEEE! *runs over Harry with a racecar*

Harry: Ow.

Aunt Petunia: Watch me lavish attention on my poor, misunderstood totally-not-a-bully-or-fat son while I treat the last link of my sister like a slave! Exactly like a normal person! DON'T QUESTION ME!

Uncle Vernon: FEED ME, SEYMOUR!

Harry: Um…it's Harry.

Uncle Vernon: That's what I said, Bruno!

Harry: …

Dudley: I have more presents than most celebrities have followers on Twitter, and I'm still not satisfied! ME WANT USELESS CRAP THAT I'LL STOP USING TWO DAYS AFTER I GET IT!

Aunt Petunia: Okay, we'll get you a Transformers set and a hamster while we're out today!

Dudley: Yay, more food!

Harry: Must kill family, must kill family…

~Little Daniel Radcliffe’s eleven-year-old “Everyone must die” face is so adorbs.~

General audience: Okay, bedroom is a cupboard, he's forced to do the cooking, the fat guy says he won't eat for a week if he shows his true nature…so it's definitely a case of psychological abuse and he's clearly being neglected, and while horrifying, it certainly could've been worse.

Fanfiction writers: OMFG HE'S BEING BEATEN HORRIBLY!

General audience: Okay, I wouldn't go that far, maybe just—

Fanfiction writers: Oh no, WHAT IF THEY'RE RAPING HIM?

General audience: …Wait, what? Oh God, where the hell did that come from? Don't even joke about things like that!

Fanfiction writers: WE'RE NOT!

~It's fun to make fun of yourself! XD~

Uncle Vernon: Wow, that turned really dark for a second. Maybe attempting to smash this glass with this sack of puppies will liven it up!

Attempt to smash nuclear-weapon-proof glass: *fails*

Dudley: You all suck and I'm leaving.

Harry: For some reason I feel like apologizing on behalf of my idiotic cousin to a creature that I know for a fact can't understand me.

Snake: *yawns* Ohayou…

Harry: …Eh? Kikoemasu ka?

Snake: Hai, sou da.

Harry: Sou desu ka. Ano…Burma kara desu ne? Tenki wa yokatta desu ka? Kazoku wo oboemasu ka?

Snake: BURMA!

Harry: …What'dja say Burma for?

Snake: I panicked.

Harry: Ah, gomen. Demo, boku mo kazoku wo wasuremashita.

Dudley: Mummy, Dad, Harry's speaking Japanese for some reason! And the snake is barely moving his head slightly! I must freak out about this! *shoves Harry into a brick wall where he cracks several ribs*

Harry: Itai…

Glass: I'm bored. *vanishes*

Dudley: …Crap muffins. *falls in*

Snake: *slithers out and looks up at Harry* Arigatou na.

Harry: …Doitashimashite.

Snake: *slithers off singing* Hateshinaku tooi sora ni/Arigatou no kimochi dake—

Everyone else at zoo: AAAAHHH! J-POP! RUN AWAY!

Glass: Okay, back now. What'd I miss?

Dudley: You missed the fact that I'm still here, ya douchebag! *starts crying for his mummy. No, really*

Aunt Petunia: This does not bode well.

Harry: Lol.

Uncle Vernon: Yeeeeaaah not so much. *glares*

Harry: ...I do believe that I have just soiled myself...

~Can’t believe how upset the filmmakers got when Harry Melling lost weight, it’s his life, you guys.~

Aunt Petunia: *attempting to comfort her somehow traumatized son who is now wrapped in a Hello Kitty towel and badly needs a new diaper*

Uncle Vernon: *rips Harry's scalp off*

General audience: …Okay, maybe they are physically abusing him as well.

Fanfiction writers: WE TOLD YOU!

Harry: The glass got bored from watching this movie for the sixty-seventh time and wandered off for a bit, I swear!

Uncle Vernon: YOU ARE NOT SOME KIND OF CHOSEN HERO FATED TO SAVE OUR ENTIRE WORLD (OR AT LEAST COUNTRY) FROM DEATH AND DESTRUCTION, NOR DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL POWERS!

Harry: …That was oddly specific—

Uncle Vernon: NO IT WASN'T! *shoves Harry in book-explained spider-infested cupboard*

Harry: No, the spiders want me to tap dance! I DON'T WANNA TAP DANCE!

~Yeah, that's right, I'm including deleted scenes too!~

Dudley: *is wearing the most hideous school uniform I've ever seen. Maroon and red-orange do not mix. British people are weird*

Aunt Petinua: Our young son looks horrible, but we can't damage his self esteem by saying that so we'll just flatter him.

Audience: That…actually is what a lot of normal people do. Except for the fact that his self esteem will be shattered anyway once he gets to school and his schoolmates see that outfit—

Uncle Vernon: No they won't, this is the uniform, everyone's required to wear it under pain of death!

iheartmwpp: And suddenly I'm really grateful for the American Educational System.

Harry: Indeed, I'd rather carve words into the back of my hand than wear that shit.

Aunt Petunia: Actually, you'll be attending Shithole Academy so you can train to be a circus freak since that's all you're good for.

Harry: Right, since that's absolutely great for my self esteem.

Aunt Petunia: Normal people don't care about their relatives!

iheartmwpp: Wow, so I really am normal then?

Aunt Petunia: Shut up, ya shut-in!

iheartmwpp: *pouts*

Aunt Petunia: Now, I'm currently cooking your uniform that'll be made of guitar strings, bits of old elephant skin, and pineapples.

Harry: …Wait, I'll be training as a circus freak, you said? Don't I have a circus-related dream early on in Book Two?

iheartmwpp: …Why do I remember stuff like this without even looking at the source materials…?

Aunt Petunia: Iunno. Now go get your plot point.

Harry: *cheerfully* Okay! *starts heading out the kitchen door*

Aunt Petunia: I SAID GO GET IT!

Harry: Uh…I am?

Letter: Hi! I'm here to completely blow your mind and change your life forever, mostly in a good way! Also, since I'm actually addressed to your cupboard, you'd think McGonagall or Dumbledore would know about this so they could possibly save you from…what's the phrase I'm looking for…oh yeah, CHILD ABUSE.

Harry: Hmm, I should probably open you here, away from the uncaring people who despise me with every fiber of their being…Naaah, what's the worst that could happen?

Letter: Sigh.

Uncle Vernon: Oh dear, looks like Marge is eating her dogs again.

Dudley: I'm following my parents' example by refusing you any little bit of happiness! Aren't I such a great son?

Harry: Hey, give it back! It's MINE!

Random seagulls: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Uncle Vernon: Oy vey.

~If I were a witch, I'd have a barn owl. His name would be Soren.~

Uncle Vernon: Yay, free food!

Letters: *scream in agony as they are devoured*

Harry: Apparently I get some of Dudley's old toys in the movie. *plays with sparkly unicorn doll*

Uncle Vernon: Wouldn't it suck if, by nailing up the mail slot, I was also preventing us from receiving any bills? Plus the books say I stay home from work so I can make sure Harry doesn't get his letters, and since this happens for an unknown amount of time in this film, one should assume that I'm no longer employed. Hell, we would probably be homeless if this had kept up for much longer! Of course, this only lasted a good five or six days in the book, but still, generally missing several consecutive days of work for personal reasons is really pushing it, even before the recession started.

~I started collecting little owl statues because of the movies. I still have them. All seventy-four of them, seventy-eight if you include the stuffed animals.~

Aunt Petunia: Despite the fact I should actually be prepared for events like these, having grown up with a witch and near a wizard who kept telling said witch everything he knew while I spied on them, I'm going to be totally shocked when anything magical happens!

Eggs: *have letters in them, which sprout wings, morph into potatoes, and fly away*

Aunt Petunia: …Okay, that I can justifiably freak out about.

~I do actually forget if that scene comes before or after the previous one, and I'm too lazy to check.~

Uncle Vernon: *burning MOAR letters* Your only weapon is flame. Matches, lighters, fire bombs. Get your weapons, outsmart the firefighters, hide from the police, and torch the city to purge this devil. But you must be careful. You cannot burn everything. If you burn the whole city down, there will be no place to live. Thus, the battle is endless. There is no final victory. The only thing you can do is burn, and burn, and burn.

Harry: Way to quote obscure anime no one will recognize.

~It's empty. There's no brain. Did you lose it somewhere?~

Uncle Vernon: Sunday is the day where most businesses are closed or at least open later and absolutely nothing's on TV.

Harry: I can haz biscuit? *puppy eyes*

Uncle Vernon: Ha! Never! No good things for you! No, sir! Not one single, bloody good thing! Not one!

Owls: *are now literally covering the entire country*

Harry: Well. That's different.

Letters: WHEEEEEEE!

Dursleys: AAAAHH! HARMLESS PIECES OF PAPER! WE ARE SCREAMING IN TERROR!

Harry: Well. That's not so different. Oh, right, letters! I should probably just bend down and pick up one of these 942,785 that have landed near my feet, but I think it'd be more productive if I try and leap for the 32 above my head!

Audience: That sounds really dumb—wait, it worked?

Harry: Hey, I got one! I should probably get a couple and hide them so Uncle Vernon won't forcibly take it away…Naaah, that'd be intelligent.

Uncle Vernon: I just told you that you can't have good things! Watch as I grab him, but make no actual move to remove the letter from his grasp! In fact, it kind of just looks like I'm hugging from behind, he could really do whatever he wants.

Dudley: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?

Aunt Petunia: No, dear, he's pointing out the plot holes in both the movie and the book, like most of the characters will be doing in these parodies.

~Looking back, it seems that it's all I make the characters do.~

House: *is really creepy and weird, why would someone build a shack like that on a random rock? Seriously, what is the point? I'm sure it looks less creepy in the daylight when there's not a storm going on, but it still looks really random and out of place*

Harry: And this is the part where everyone feels sorry for me because of my dirt birthday cake and the fact that I've acknowledged that I'll never be happy.

Dumbledore: SUCCESS!

Dudley's watch: *explodes*

Harry: I wish I could've been raised by a werewolf or something. *eats dirt cake*

The front door: *explodes, taking most of the house with it*

Hagrid: Dictionary, everybody!

Book readers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Movie theater: *is suddenly hosting a dance party*

Uncle Vernon: *holding A-K 47* Wouldn't it suck, since I'm clearly afraid for the safety of myself and the part of the family I like, and also the fact that I'm probably quite twitchy right now, if I pulled the trigger?

Hagrid: Yes, indeed it would. Since, despite the fact I'm one of the nicest characters in the entire septology, I'm also kind of huge and can therefore be a might intimidatin'.

Uncle Vernon: Indeed. I seem quite intent on shooting you now, in fact, as you're walking toward me and my wife. It sure is a good thing I don't, huh?

Hagrid: It sure is, Vernon. It sure is. *takes gun…AND EATS IT!*

Aunt Petunia: Wow. Death Note reference. Shocker.

Hagrid: Hey, Harry—Wow, yeh've gotten fat!

Dudley: Pot meet kettle. Also, do I really look adoragable enough to be the main character to you?

Hargid: Ah, touché. So, Actually Harry, are yeh coming' out or not?

Harry: Remember the part where you're freaking huge and terrifying?

Hagrid: Yer point?

Harry: I think I'll stay here if that's all right with you.

Hagrid: I have cake.

Harry: OMG LYKE REALLY? Wow, you fail at spelling.

Hagrid: Well, I was kicked outta school in me third year—

Harry: You were thirteen, you should know how to read and write by then.

Hagrid: Uh huh. *blows up fireplace*

Harry: Okay, I'm officially freaked out now.

Hagrid: Name's Rubeus Hagrid, I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts. Apparently, I'm the Keeper of the Keys as well, but since the only key I'm keepin' is yer Gringotts key, which I'll be immediately givin' ter yeh afterwards, yeh can just ignore tha' bit.

Harry: What's Hogwarts?

Hagrid: At this point in the book, I was explodin' in rage. Wouldn't tha' 'ave been awesome ter see?

Harry: Probably. So…can you get to the line that made iheart fall in love with the series almost immediately?

Hagrid: She prob'ly could've just read the back cover.

iheartmwpp: Our teacher was reading the first book out loud in fourth grade.

Harry: …You were still being read to in fourth grade?

iheartmwpp: It's America, if this series wasn't published none of us would know how to read.

Hagrid: Okay ANYWAY! *pause for dramatic effect* Yer a wizard, Harry.

Harry: O RLY?

Hagrid: YA RLY! And…actually, except for the Patronus Charm, yeh turn out pretty average.

Harry: I am in complete denial! I'm just Harry—

Hagrid: So shave!

Harry: …No, that's my name.

Hagrid: Oh. But don' weird-ass things suddenly explode for no reason around yeh? 'Cause that's usually the first hint.

Harry: *blank stare*

Hagrid: Oh, sod it. *hands Harry letter*

Harry: I actually understand that most people watching this can read, but I'm going to read the letter out loud anyway, since that's much more dramatic in a film.

Uncle Vernon: Yeah he is so totally not going it's not even funny.

Harry: Wha—you guys knew about this?

Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew, and here is the part where I'm so obviously acting jealous that it couldn't possibly be mistaken for anything else! But Dumbledore said I couldn't go, so now I hate magic with the fiery passion of a thousand suns and wouldn't have minded violently killing you if it weren't for the fact that you actually give the house some protection. Oh, and your parents exploded.

Harry: …Exploded? You told me they crashed their car into a crocodile and were eaten!

Hagrid: Wow, tha' is totally not wha' happened.

Aunt Petunia: What, did you expect us to tell him that his parents were betrayed by his dad's best friend and butchered by a crazy guy who loved torturing and killing people?

Hagrid: ...Duh?

Uncle Vernon: We wanna keep him here, since, despite us hating him and would gladly get rid of him at any given opportunity, we are also afraid for our lives and don't want him blowing us up. That's actually kind of understandable, when you think about it, though the child abuse might have been a bit much…

Hagrid: Oh, an' I suppose a great Muggle like yerself's gonna stop him, are yeh?

Harry: Muggle?

Rifftrax: You see, Harry, when a group of people is different, it helps to come up with a funny sounding word, or slur, to describe them.

Harry: Oh. That sounds horribly racist.

Hagrid: It sure is! I love our backwards society! But anyway, yeah, he's goin' or the movie wouldn' really have a plot an' this multi-million dollar franchise would never pay off.

Uncle Vernon: Someone's been hanging around that manipulative old bastard for too long.

Hagrid: OKAY, HE WAS PRETTY BAD WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER AN' SEVERAL DEATHS PROBABLY COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED LATER, BUT HE'S NOT AS BAD AS FANFICTION MAKES HIM OUT TER BE! Oh, sorry, I thought this was the book fer a second, I'm actually supposed ter talk in a creepy threatenin' whisper. Ah, well.

Dudley: OM NOM NOM!

Hagrid: Heh, payback's a bitch! GO, PINK UMBRELLA OF DOOM!

Dudley: *is now a radioactive ninja cyborg hippo that can interface with electronic devices*

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon: WE ARE UNDERSTANDABLY PANICKING! *run out of the movie*

Hagrid: Wow, tha' was so freakin' illegal. Don't tell anyone!

Harry: Dude, that's awesome, when will I get to learn stuff like that?

Hagrid: Apparently never, or if it was it'd be hard ter tell since yeh only use the same five spells over an' over again. Anyway, it's been four chapters/twenty minutes, I guess we should get the plot movin' now. Unless yeh don' want ter be a main character, o' course…though yeh really don' have much of a choice, I don' know why I bother askin'.

Harry: Hmm…go with stranger, stay with people who hate me. I guess I'll stay with the people who hate me OF COURSE I'M GOING WITH YOU!

Audience: It's so heartwarming that a large man offers a small boy chocolate and then takes him away from his unwilling guardians to a place far away where he promises that magical things will happen to him while asking to keep his illegal activities a secret—wait, WHAT?

~I still don't get the whole occult/Satan worshipper thing, but this I could see the parents freaking out about.~

A/N: In case anyone was wondering, the vast majority of the conversation between the snake and Harry was, for the most part, exactly what was said in the film. My friend translated it into Japanese as best she could. She knows a lot more than me, having majored in it in college, so I am going to assume she's right. It sure sounds right, from what little I know. :P


	2. Teh WAY TO OFFEND EVERYTHING, HARRY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, The Room, Guardians of Ga'Hoole, Fullmetal Alchemist, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Alice in Wonderland, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Rifftrax, and a bunch of TV Tropes.

~Okay, I get that the Dursleys escaped from that island later, but how? And were Harry and Hagrid traveling all night?~

Harry: Watch as I yell out the school supply list in full earshot of a Muggle! Also, why do we only need three sets of plain work robes? Do they expect us to wash them daily or something? Or is that the House Elves' job? But then how was Hermione able to sneak Slytherin robes from the laundry? Where is the laundry?

Hagrid: Bes' not ter trouble yerself over insignificant little details like tha't, Harry. Tha's like expecting the more important minor characters ter die on-page or something, with full details as ter how they died, or at least who killed 'em.

Harry: Yeah, try telling that to the fan base. *still reading* One pair of penguin-hide gloves…Hagrid, do they mean from a real penguin?

Hagrid: Well they don' mean a dragon, do they? *wistfully* Crikey, I'd love a penguin.

Harry: …Are we really gonna run with this?

Hagrid: Parodies thrive on crap like tha'.

Harry: Crap like what?

Hagrid: Impossibly lame jokes, Harry. Impossibly lame jokes.

Muggle woman: *matter of factly* So it was YOU who sold my grandmother to the cactus factory!

Harry and Hagrid: …

~My friendly friend is insane.~

Harry: And I'm still reading aloud where any Muggle can hear me. Hagrid should probably be telling me to stop, but he's not, so I'll keep going. Students may bring, if they desire, either an owl, an anchovy, a coat hanger, a cat, a giant psychopathic shape-shifting poodle that lives to destroy, or a toad. Can we seriously find all this in London?

Hagrid: Except fer the coat hanger, yes.

The Leaky Cauldron: *is open at, like, nine in the morning, and is completely packed. Um…huh?*

Tom: Hey, my name's kind of a plot point-ish-sort-of-not-really! Wanna get wasted, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Yeh have no idea, but I'm draggin' around an eleven-year-old righ' now so I'll have ter pass.

Tom: Bless my soul. *burst into song* You're Harry Freaking Potter!

Harry: Huh?

Doris Crockford: *burst into song* You don't understand! You're a legend, man, to us all!

Hagrid: Hey, hey, hey, no singin' anythin' from A Very Potter Sequel till after he's been thoroughly confused an' overwhelmed!

Everyone in the Leaky Cauldron: Sigh, fine…

Quirrell: 'Sup?

Hagrid: Yo! Harry, this is the first of many of the horribly incompetent teachers yeh'll have throughout yer school career, an' one o' a select few who will continuously attempt ter murder yeh!

Harry: Cool.

Voldemort: Ah-choo!

Harry: …Did your turban just sneeze?

Quirrell: No…No, that was simply a fart, excuse me.

Harry: …'Kay then…

Hagrid: See, Harry? This franchise is so famous a bunch of American college students made two musicals based on it!

Harry: Yeah, care to explain why that is?

Hagrid: Nope, not a chance in hell! *blows up wall*

Tommy Wiseau: *wearing a tux and throwing a football up and down* Oh hai Mark. How's your sex life?

Hagrid: Whoops, wrong wall.

Tommy Wiseau: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

Hagrid: …Okay then. *blows up another wall*

Diagon Alley: *is basically a giant renaissance fair*

Harry: …HOLY SHIT.

Random witches and wizards: We all love to shop at nine in the morning!

One random wizard: *seems to say, "Hello, Mr. Potter," and then just walks away, I have no idea why*

Hedwig: SAVE ME!

Other owls: St. Aggie's is trying to moonblink us!

Fruit bat: Oh shut up, I doubt anyone knows or cares what you're talking about.

Random boy: New shiny broomstick is new and shiny. And a broomstick.

Harry: Um, Hagrid? How will I be able to pay for all this when I'm flat broke?

Hagrid: Well there's yer money, Harry!

Harry: …That's a giant building thingy.

Hagrid: Exactly, it's Gringotts, the Wizard Bank! Ain't no safer place, not one! In fact, it's so safe tha' maybe a villain could actually put a safety deposit box in here in addition ter the usual "Hide It In A Cave Where No One Will Find It" tha' all villains in fiction seem ter attempt, with usually disastrous results. Or they could just store somethin' in Hogwarts, either way.

Goblins: *are dancing the mambo*

Harry: Uh, Hagrid, what exactly are these things?

Hagrid: Oh, I'm sorry Harry, could yeh say tha' a bit louder? I don' think the entire bank heard you.

Head Goblin Guy: Hello, I'm the first sighting of Warwick Davis you'll see in these movies!

Hagrid: Maybe I should teach Harry a little about bankin' an' how ter handle money since he'll eventually have ter do it without me…Naaah, I'm sure he'll know exactly what ter say ter an entirely different species he just heard about today!

Harry: I'm doomed, aren't I?

Hagrid: Also the kid wants the monies.

Rifftrax: If that's okay with you, Corpse of Benjamin Franklin.

Head Goblin Guy: Yeah, yeah, give me the damn key already.

Hagrid: Oh, wait a minute, got it here somewhere. Hey, wouldn' it be awesome if I pulled out all the useless crap I apparently have in this jacket accordin' ter the book? That'd be some great comic relief right there. What happened ter this coat in later books, anyway, did JKR nip this one in the bud before it got old? Oh, here's the key, BTW.

Harry: Question! Is the key really all you need to get in the vault? Do I even need to be here, could you just rob me of all my money if all you had was my key?

Hagrid: Shut up, I told yeh I'm not explainin' anythin' an' I'm not! Also, confidential letter is confidential.

Head Goblin Guy: You don't say.

Hagrid: I need the thingy from the thingy.

Head Goblin Guy: M'kay.

Harry: It feels like what they're talking about may somehow be important later.

Book readers: Not really, it'll be gone by the end of the book anyway and rarely spoken of again, just some random object you'll have to go on a largely pointless adventure to find. It's the textbook definition of a MacGuffin!

~That drawing the goblin did in the Lego game was so cute!~

Griphook: Vault 53,947,523,485,792,470,495,713,890,473.

Harry: Holy crap, how many vaults are there in this place?

Griphook: A lot. I should mention that some of them are guarded by dragons so it doesn't come out of nowhere in Film Eight, but I don't think I will. So there.

Harry: Oooooooooooh, shiiiiiny…Wait, why is Voldemort's theme playing in the background? And actually, to be honest, if Dad had inherited enough money from his own parents that he never had to work again, I kind of expected this vault to be bigger, especially with the interest. Come to think of it, do wizards even have interest?

Hagrid: Didn' think yer mum an' dad would leave yeh with nothin' now, did yeh?

Harry: Considering I thought they were drunken bums until last night, yes, actually, I did. Maybe I should show some more emotion, since I just realized that I have been near the point of starving so many times; to think I had all this money that could've been spent on food. Instead, I'll settle with a look that's supposed to be awed but is more dull surprise.

~The dragon in the seventh or eighth film is going to look so freaking awesome, and they'll actually have an excuse to extend the scene this time!~

Griphook: Vault 713—hey, cool, an actual believable number!

Harry: What's in there, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Can't tell yeh, Harry. It's only the underlyin' plot of the whole book, but since it never shows up again, it's not tha' important so don' worry about it too much.

Griphook: *revs up a chainsaw and carves a hole in the door*

Creepy music: *gets louder and louder until all the eardrums in the audience collectively implode*

Grubby little package: *is grubby and little. And a package*

Harry: Behold my face of confusion!

Hagrid: Best not tell anyone abou' this, Harry.

Harry: Yep, don't tell anyone except my two bestest friendly-friends, got it.

Hagrid: Tha's right—wait, what?

Harry: Nothing, nothing…

~All is one, one is all.~

Harry: And we just spontaneously did all the shopping! Really, it's not like anyone needed to see the rest of Diagon Alley or the first appearance of Draco Malfoy or anything. Can I get my wand now?

Hagrid: Only if yeh want ter do any kind of magic ever. Apparently yeh also need 'em ter Apparate, tha' could've been mentioned before Book Seven in a random thought, don' ya think? So, yeah, go check out one of apparently the only two wand makers on the entire friggin' planet. Seriously, WTF.

Harry: *pales* What, you're not coming with me? You did in the book!

Hagrid: Oh get over it, ya pansy!

Harry: *pouts and goes in Ollivander's alone* HELLO?

Ollivander: *appears*

Harry: OMFG JOHN HURT.

Ollivander: Indeed. And I made it to the seventh or eighth film! How epic is that? Take that, Richard Harris! Anyway, it seems only yesterday that your mother and father were in here buying their first wands.

Harry: Wait, first wands? They had more than one?

Ollivander: Iunno, I'm just reading the script and acting amazingly. Try this one.

Harry: *waves wand, half the shop explodes*

Ollivander: Apparently not. Perhaps…this?

Harry: …That's an eggplant.

Ollivander: Right, right, I meant this one.

Harry: *waves wand, lighthouse turns into a peacock*

Ollivander: Nope, no, definitely not. No matter…

Harry: Are you sure about that? I mean, exploding things does technically count as magic, and won't I be learning Transfiguration eventually anyway?

Ollivander: I SAID DEFINITELY NOT! DON'T QUESTION ME, I'VE BEEN AROUND SINCE 382 BC!

iheartmwpp: Once again, all without once looking at the movie. I need serious help.

Holly and phoenix feather wand: Over here, ya moron!

Ollivander: Hmm…when I picked this one up, the ominous music started playing. I wonder…

iheartmwpp's father person: *is fascinated by the way John Hurt walks in this scene for some reason*

Harry: *holds wand, epic chorus starts up, crew has fun with wind effects* Okay, didja have to fart in my face? *heh heh, wind…*

Ollivander: Curious, very curious…

Harry: Oh for the love of Merlin's cheap goat's blood, will you just spit it out? What's with all the freaking secrecy in this damn place? This better not become a recurring thing!

Book readers: HA!

Ollivander: It so happens that the phoenix—and since it won't be covered in Film Four I'll just say now that it came from Fawkes—whose tail feather resides in your wand gave another feather. Just. One. Other. It is curious, because you'd think that since phoenixes are so rare, and there are only so many magical creatures and types of wood, that it would have given a bit more so I could actually have more wands to fill up my shop, but noooo…Also, the other feather went into the wand that killed your parents. Tough luck.

Harry: …'Kay…And who owned that wand?

Ollivander: You'll be getting the partial backstory that everyone knows in the next scene, I'm afraid you'll have to go through the span of seven years to get the rest of the story. But, I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you, otherwise the books would be rather boring. After all, He-Who-Insists-On-Not-Having-His-Name-Spoken-Aloud-Even-After-He-Went-Through-All-The-Trouble-To-Change-It-And-Desperately-Wants-To-Be-Only-Known-By-That-Name-Instead-Of-His-Real-One-So-You'd-Think-He'd-Demand-That-People-Call-Him-By-His-New-Name-But-He-Doesn't-Because-He's-Stupid-Like-That did great things. Terrible, horrible, sadistic things that should never be done by anyone ever again, yes, but great.

Harry: What an eccentric performance.

Hagrid: Harry! Happy birthday!

Hedwig: *does tweet thing that can't really be called a hoot, so I don't really know what to type here*

Book readers: HEDWIG! WE LOVES YOU, HEDWIG!

Harry: Wow! She's gonna become one of the few constants in my life! We'll be together forever and ever and ever and—

Book readers: *sniff* If only…

~Seriously, the first character who died in DH that we actually recognized and cared about had to be Hedwig? The embodiment of my childhood? Not cool, JKR, not cool.~

Hagrid: Drink up yer soup, Harry, Merlin knows when the last time yeh ate was.

Fanfiction writers: I know, right?!

Harry: So…can we finish that song now?

Hagrid: Yays, I love this one! *bursts into song* Long story short, this guy *whispers* Voldemort, *normal voice* was super cruel.

Harry: Voldemort?

Hagrid: *gasp!* Shh! He tried to kill you and your parents, and this is where it gets intensely cool!/Even though you were a tiny little boy/You should have died but you survived and then destroyed/This evil guy and it's a story we enjoy to teeeeell—

iheartmwpp: EVERYBODY! XD

Everyone in the Leaky Caudron: You're Harry Freaking Potter! We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin or Oz—

Harry: Okay, okay, I get it! So…nothing on the flashback then?

Hagrid: Other than the fact tha' JKR apparently directed it herself accordin' ter MuggleCast an' it was messed up in Film Eight when they changed yer mum's dress fer some reason an' yer dad was still barely featured? Nope, not really.

Harry: *singing softly and sadly* But this is all so sad, I mean my mom and dad were killed long ago…

Everyone in the Leaky Cauldron: *singing happy and cheerfully* Long ago, they died!

~Anyone else notice Remus attempting a reprise of that song later in the sequel?~

Random Muggle #1: *stares at Hagrid, who retorts with something that I still find amusing despite watching this movie over sixty times at least*

Hagrid: I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! Dumbledore will be needin' his MacGuffin. Here's yer ticket, stick ter it no matter what, whatever the hell tha' means.

Harry: Wait, wait, wait, are you saying that my birthday and the day we bought crap is also the day school starts? You have got to be kidding me! Or is it the next day, that last scene did seem like it was in the evening or something. That would make more sense, though you'd think I'd have changed my clothes. So school starts on the first of August according to the movie? Damn that sucks, that has to be the shortest summer vacation ever! Though admittedly the film never specifies exactly when my birthday is, so the people who didn't read the books could probably just assume that it's at the end of August…Oh, right, complaining about my train ticket. Hey, Hagrid, why aren't you shutting up my long-winded rant—oh, you're gone. Well crap. Hey, random Muggle, didja see a guy come through here, 'bout 8'6''?

Random Muggle #2: Pfft, yeah, right, next you'll be asking me how to get on to Platform Nine and Three Quarters or something!

Harry: …

Mrs. Weasley: Allow me to say "Muggles" and "Platform Nine-And-Three-Quarters" rather loudly next to a conveniently placed Boy-Who-Lived that will convince half the fandom that Dumbledore put us up to this and is paying everyone but the twins to be nice to Harry, because the twins are just amazing enough to be nice to Harry of their own volition.

Ron: *whimper* I don't like those fics, I like my friendly-friend.

Fred: Actually, I think most of the fandom thinks you're a bit of an idiot. I mean, in the book you didn't even remember which platform it was!

Mrs. Weasley: …Can't it just be that I was flustered?

George: Not if you went to Hogwarts for seven years through said platform, you probably went when your brothers were sent off, and you've gone through this with five kids now for God knows how long. Face it, woman, you're not very bright at all in this scene.

Fred and George: By the way, we're freaking awesome.

Harry: ...Dude, three people just ran through a brick wall. What was in that soup last night?

Mrs. Weasley: You forget you're in a magical world and stuff now, you silly, silly ignorant person. Just run at the wall and pray you don't splatter your brains all over it. Okay, sweetie?

Ginny: I want your babies.

Harry: …OKAY THEN. *runs through wall and is in freaky inter-dimension thing*

Willy Wonka: *singing creepily* There's no earthly way of knowing…Which direction we are going…

Harry: OH GOD WHY.

Hogwarts Express: Hello, I'll be stuck at a theme park for the rest of my life in about nine years.

Harry: Except for all the people in weird clothing, it really just kind of looks like your average train station. Am I supposed to be impressed over anything besides managing to run through a brick wall?

~One of my favorite scene in the Lego games is when Ron tries to fix Harry's glasses, but the spell ends up hitting a wizard's hat, turning it into a frog. And the guy just keeps walking!~

A/N: So I'm a complete review/comment/whatever whore, and since threats to review worked so well in back on fanfiction.net (yeah, barely), I figured why not keep doing it here? It's really just mainly for nostalgia's sake, but they are a good deal of fun to come up with. XD

Therefore, review or you'll be forced to live on the back of Quirrel's head. And watch him wipe his butt daily.


	3. Teh LET ME SHOUT THIS AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, The Simpsons, Miyano Mamoru, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, The Vicar of Dibley, or Rifftrax.

~Anyone else freaked out by Wormtail sitting on Ron's lap?~

Ron: Excuse me, can I sit here? Every other compartment doesn't really want some little first year annoying them by existing. Which is kind of a relief, really, older kids can say some pretty disturbing stuff that should not fall upon virgin ears.

Harry: No. Piss off. *chuckles* Nah, I'm just kidding, it's cool.

Ron: *smiles and sits down* I'm gonna be your best friend, by the way, even though half the fan base thinks I'm just after your money and fame and stuff. *snorts* Please, if that were true, I'd try and date you or something.

Harry: That's cool. I'm the main character.

Ron: *freaks out and bursts into song* You're Harry Freaking—

Harry: Yeah, yeah, we already did that.

Goyle/Firenze: Anything from the trolley?

Harry: Wow, that would totally suck if that really was someone trying to kill us and we had no werewolves around to protect us. Come to think of it, most of the older kids are capable of killing each other, we should really have some responsible adult supervision on the train. The constant sugar isn't helping the younger students, either.

Ron: I'm incredibly poor!

Harry: I'm not! Let me add to your inferiority complex by flaunting my wealth!

Ron: Dude, where have you been all my life?

Harry: Oh, in a cupboard, under some stairs.

Ron: That is so cool!

~Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent? Red Vines! OH MY GOD!~

Harry: Hey, something Jelly Belly can try to duplicate but no one will buy it since even the normal ones are nasty!

Ron: Something I've been wondering despite the fact that I've lived in this world my whole life and should probably know. When they say Every Flavor, do they really mean it? Do they also mean stuff like blood could be included? What about other bodily fluids, like urine and…other bodily fluids? Did Team Star Kid actually get it right when they said there was a poopie flavored one? I think on one of the video game wizard cards it said that dog saliva was banned, though don't quote me on that, it's been a while since I played them. But really, where do they draw the line?

Harry: OMFG CHOCOLATE! I will never get tired of this, not even after my third year!

Ron: And it's an excuse to use some more CGI!

Chocolate Frog: No, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them! *jumps out window and is immediately attacked by a rampaging rhinoceros, which it promptly eats*

Harry: Hey, I've got a Dumbledore card!

Ron: That will be in no way important later in this book or the seventh one, nor will its value significantly increase in six years!

Harry: Awesome—wait, where'd he go?

Ron: Silly, silly ignorant person…

Scabbers: Hi! I'm not important to the plot at all.

People who worked on Film Three: Clearly.

Ron: Fred gave me a spell that he said would turn him yellow, but since it's Fred I should probably not listen even though I'm so gonna try it anyway. Wanna watch?

Hermione: This is what the school robes will look like for the first two films, in case you were wondering.

Book readers: Huh. Was thinking more robe, less obvious Muggle boarding school uniform, but…Okay, I guess we can deal.

Hermione: By the way, I totally just mentioned the name of the most Badass Character in the entire septology.

Ron: Cool. *blows up Scabbers*

Book readers: HUZZAH!

Hermione: You fail. Watch me show off.

Harry: OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Hermione: I just fixed your glasses, you pansy. *gasps and inhales car battery* Holy cricket—

Ron: Holy what now? Seriously, that's really stupid, even for an innocent eleven year old.

Hermione: *ignoring the eventual love of her life* —You're Harry Potter! Somehow I know this even though your bangs are totally hiding your scar! So I'm Hermione Granger, and if you haven't read Book Four then this is the first time anyone really knew how to pronounce my name. I'm the smartest person in the series, which is why I steal most of the characters' lines.

iheartmwpp: Seriously, I was really looking forward to Ron being awesome in Film Three, but noooo…

Hermione: *turns to Ron* And…you are?

Ron: Going to be incredibly sexy in a couple of films.

Hermione: I want your babies.

Ron: …What?

Hermione: Erm, I mean…You've got rat intestines on your nose, by the way. Did you know? Just there.

~There's an anvil-sized hint for ya.~

All of the child actors and extras: *are relieved to know that they'll be wearing Muggle clothes again in two films*

Hagrid: Would all the smaller children please follow the totally not suspicious huge hairy guy away from the older an' supposedly more responsible children toward the deep, dark lake with tons o' sea monsters?

Audience: Again. Charming.

Hagrid: Leave me alone, it's tradition!

Audience: Doesn't mean it's smart.

Hagrid: Try tellin' that ter the entire wizarding community. Hey, Harry.

Harry: Hey.

Ron: Hey, Harry, who're you talking—BIG TALL HOLY CRAP.

Hagrid: Yeah, I get tha' a lot.

First view of Hogwarts: *is admittedly really awesome and beautiful and deserves the poster shot*

Seamus: I really look like I'm gonna fall out of this boat any second, I should be more careful—Oooooooooh, pretty castle…

Neville: I shall rule over that in six or seven years.

Dean: Yeah, that'd be cool.

Ron: Was that one poster of the castle burning from Film Eight a call-back to this scene?

Giant Squid: Why was I cut, I was awesome!

~Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy-warty Hogwarts, teach us something please…~

McGonagall: *evil finger-tapping of DOOM!* Welcome to Hogwarts.

Students: WHOA, Maggie Smith.

McGonagall: Before any of us are allowed to eat, you must be sorted into your Houses, which really confused a substitute teacher in the author's fourth grade class since she thought there were actual, physical houses squashed inside a castle. The Houses are Gryffindor, which I said first since it's clearly the best. Another one is Slytherin, and note my obvious tone of disapproval since only bad guys come from there and nothing anyone will ever do will change this stereotype, therefore basically encouraging them to be evil since we give them no other option. In addition, there's Ravenclaw, which I have no opinion on since it basically doesn't exist. The final one is…um…Well, it's not important anyway, so who cares, only losers go to that one.

Random eventual Hufflepuff: And what if we're not a loser and we end up there?

McGonagall: Well, the last three died, so…you know what, don't worry about it. Moving on, if you are a teacher's pet you earn points for your House, and if you display any sign of free will you lose points. At the end of the year, the House with the most points is awarded the chance to have the Great Hall decorated in their House colors for exactly ONE meal and you have an entire train ride of bragging rights. That's…kind of it. It only fuels the animosity between the Houses instead of trying to inspire unity which is what we teachers say we want, but really we just want to watch you kill each other.

Neville: Hello, I am the most badass person in the history of ever—OMAHGOD TOAD!

McGonagall: …Keep telling yourself that, sport.

Neville: Just you wait. You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE!

McGonagall: Uh huh, see ya in like two hours.

Malfoy: Oh my God, *bursts into song* you're Harry Freaking—

Neville: Okay, that's just getting old now, stop it.

Seamus: Wow, all of us were so ridiculously adorable in this movie. A pity we had to grow up, some us becoming less and less attractive as time went on.

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who doesn't find Daniel Radcliffe physically appealing?

Malfoy: This is Guy Who Will Be Arrested For Pot, and Guy Who Didn't Show Up Much For Some Reason In Film Three. And I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.

Ron: BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!

Malfoy: Think my name's funny, do you?

Ron: No, I was just remembering a scene in The Expendables II.

Malfoy: …Right, anyway, Potter. I am a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor House, and my parents worked for the man who killed your parents, do you want to be my friend?

Harry: Yeah how 'bout no, no one likes arrogant bastards who act as if they're better than everyone else and can do whatever they want without punishment.

James: Hey! *sniff*

McGonagall: *bashes Malfoy in the back of the head, sending him flying down the staircase and cracking his skull open* We're ready for you now, because it obviously took forever to put a freaking hat on a stool.

Great Hall: *is filled with people wearing really stupid hats. Okay, now we're following the books a little too closely, thank Merlin they got rid of those things in subsequent films*

Hermione: It's not real, the ceiling. It's just a CGI effect to make it seem like the night sky. I read about it—

Susan Bones: OMFG SHUT UP.

McGonagall: Before we begin, Professor Dumbledore would like to say a few words.

Dumbledore: A few words. Ha ha, no really, the Dark Forest is strictly forbidden to all students, which is clearly why we changed the name and routinely chuck small children in it for punishment and then never be that severe again. Also, our resident meanie-face, Mr. Filch—

KITTY!: *is there*

Dumbledore: Yes, there's a cat, move on already. So anyway, don't go anywhere on the third floor or you'll probably die slowly and painfully.

Firsties: ...Thought Hogwarts was the safest place there was.

Dumbledore: *dies laughing*

McGonagall: When I call your name in completely random order for no reason, you will sit on this stool in front of the entire school, I shall place the Sorting Hat on your head, and you will all be thoroughly embarrassed since this version talks out loud and will probably say things you'd never want anyone else to hear ever. But hey, at least it doesn't sing! Hermione Granger!

Hermione: Ohgodohgodohgodohgod—okay, just breathe in, breathe out, it's not like this'll effect your entire future or anything ohgodimgonnafailatlife—yes, you can do this, dammit! Okay…okay, I think I'm all right now…NO I'M NOT! AAAAAAAHH!

Ron: I'm probably justified in saying she's a little off.

Harry: Yar.

Sorting Hat: Hmm, I see that you're supposed to be a Hatstall, but fuck that, we gotta keep this shit moving. And, quite frankly, the only reason I'm not putting you in Ravenclaw is because you're a main character, and main characters can only be put in GRYFFINDOR!

Gryffindor House: Yay. Whoop-dee-flippin'-doo.

Dumbledore: *does this cute little clap thing me and my folks still like to emulate nine years later*

McGonagall: Draco Malfoy!

Malfoy: That's right, fangirls, drink me in.

Sorting Hat: I am also incredibly prejudiced since I put all people with greasy or slimy hair in SLYTHERIN!

Snape: Oh, okay, that explains everything.

Ron: Hermione's not around right now, so I'll steal someone's line instead! There's not a witch or wizard who went bad that wasn't in Slytherin even though it should be common knowledge that Sirius Black was actually in Gryffindor, even if he's innocent and the guy who framed him was also in Gryffindor. Hagrid should have known about Sirius at least when he told you in the book.

Harry: Judging people based on very few facts is fun!

McGonagall: Susan Bones!

Susan Bones: Hi, I'm your average child-of-the-director cameo!

Sorting Hat: An American?! JIGGLYPUFF!

Snape: My fangirl count has skyrocketed since I'm being portrayed by Alan Rickman.

Voldemort: Ah-choo!

Quirrel: I simply farted once more, excuse me.

Harry: Ow-face!

Ron: Hoo boy, here we go.

Harry: I'm going to blame my scar hurting on the guy who's glaring at me instead of the guy with his back turned.

Ron: That actually makes logical sense. And is therefore wrong.

McGonagall: Ronald Weasley!

Rifftrax: And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore.

Sorting Hat: I WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF! Ha ha, no seriously, I'm gonna put you where all redheads besides that last one go in GRYFFINDOR!

Snape: You're telling me this now? *pouts*

Percy, Fred and George: Wow, we're actually being supportive!

McGonagall: Harry Potter!

Students: Say WHA? Though really, if we've been told his story our whole lives, you'd think we'd be able to do the math by now—oh, that's right, we apparently have no need to study math ever besides knowing how to count. Otherwise you'd think they'd teach such useful classes at Hogwarts or something, but why should you need to prepare for later in life in school, really?

Sorting Hat: Isn't it interesting how in the books you keep all of what I tell you to yourself except for Dumbledore and the son you named after him? I suppose it would be easier if I didn't pretty much shout all of it out to the entire Hall in this version, I'm surprised the entire school doesn't use this against you when they think you're the Heir of Slytherin next film.

Harry: That's nice, could you go back to just being a little voice in my head now?

Sorting Hat: Hell no, that doesn't translate to screen very well, and besides, it's an excuse to use more CGI. In fact, I think I'll raise my voice slightly when I talk about how great you'll be in Slytherin, just so the folks in the back catch it. That okay with you?

Harry: No it bloody well isn't! Shut up!

Sorting Hat: Well you're no fun. Normally that'd put you in Ravenclaw due to stereotyping, but as you actually have a name, I might as well put you in GRYFFINDOR!

Fred and George: HELLS YEAH! *start dancing on the tables with the rest of the House*

Dumbledore: I am making absolutely no effort to hide my instant blatant favoritism! And you're in Gryffindor! Even better! Watch me not even try to be subtle as I raise my glass to you, good sir!

All of the other first years: *aren't important enough to be sorted on screen, not even Neville "I Am Kickass Worship Me" Longbottom*

~Seriously, congratulations on getting assigned dorm rooms, you guys.~

McGonagall: *smashes a glass against some random unnamed colleague to get the kids' attention*

Dumbledore: It is now time to pig out!

Students: YAAAAY!

Food: *appears, surprising Ron and Malfoy even though they should be used to crap like this, and even some of the older students look impressed even though they've seen this kind of thing for years*

Students: OM NOM NOM!

Seamus: I'm half-and-half, otherwise known as half-blood, but that won't be coined until next year/book/movie so don't worry about it. Me dad's a Muggle, mam's a witch. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out, though at least he didn't leave her when she was pregnant and causing her to waste away and die soon after childbirth due to grief, nor did he only reluctantly choose to stick around and make life a living hell for his wife and kid. Because seriously, what kind of parents would do that, right?

Voldemort and Snape: *eye twitch*

Harry: Say, Everyone's Least Favorite Weasley—

Percy: Hey, I resent that! What have I ever done to the fandom?

iheartmwpp: Well, you're absolutely obsessed with rules and regulations but unlike Hermione you don't grow out of it, you continuously act superior even though most people find that incredibly annoying and don't generally like people who do that, and you end up sorta betraying your family later on.

Percy: But I got better!

iheartmwpp: And I call bullshit. Name one redeeming factor that didn't feel like an ass-pull.

Percy: …I'm voiced by Miyano Mamoru in the Japanese dub?

iheartmwpp: Yeah, for all two of your lines.

Percy: ANYWAY, Alan Rickman is playing Professor Snape, head of Slytherin House.

Harry: From what little information I've gathered, I automatically suspect him of being pure evil with no redeeming qualities whatsoever besides being incredibly good looking.

Percy: …Right, so he teaches Potions, but he's been after the Defense Against the Dark Arts position since, oh, around the time you were born, I believe.

Harry: What a crazy random happenstance.

John Cleese: Hello! I'm here so the fandom can make billions of Monty Python jokes in their parodies!

Grey Lady: Who knew I'd be important, I wasn't even really mentioned until I was actually needed for the plot!

Fat Friar: My backstory was only revealed through Pottermore! Yayz Hufflepuffs are useless and inconsequential!

Bloody Baron: I'm a lot more cheerful than I should be, all things considered. Seriously, whose idea was it for me to float through the table and act happy?

iheartmwpp: I really want to know how he's connected to Peeves now…

Percy: WAZZUP.

John Cleese: WAZZUP. And now, allow me to make several craaaazy facial expressions! It's like I never left the Pythons!

Ron: I know you, despite never meeting you before in my life! You're Nearly Headless Nick!

Nearly Headless Nick: No I'm not!

Hermione: As much as I love the Argument sketch, can we move on? And Harry, stop rolling your eyes at me, don't think I didn't see that!

Nearly Headless Nick: Fine, just let me make all of you puke now. *lifts most of his head*

George: Dude, I have a drumstick in my mouth, I did not need to see that!

~And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose.~

Random Ravenclaw prefect: Ravenclaw follow me downstairs even though we're supposed to be in a tower and you'd assume that would be higher up. For the House that prizes itself on being logical, we're kind of contradictory like that.

Percy: Pay attention, I don't want any of you getting lost now despite the fact that you all totally will. Oh, and remember the foreshadowing where the staircases move and stuff.

Everyone: *is in awe of the moving portraits, even the ones who grew up with magic. Kind of dumb, really*

Portrait of Flower Girl: *is, I believe, another child-of-the-director cameo, correct me if I'm wrong*

Harry: Even though I have absolutely no basis on which to make this claim, I'm going to assume that the Flower Girl fancies Ron.

Fat Lady: *is not yet replaced by the Vicar of Dibley* Password?

Percy: Your brains are gonna come out of your ears and fall on the ground and get eaten by ants and I don't like ants but I like pigeons!

Portrait: *opens*

Harry: That is one long-ass password.

Percy: Everyone shut the hell up and get in here! Now, this instant! Hurry up! Come on, damn it! What are you waiting for? Quickly! Come on, come on! Faster! Everyone hurry! Can't you move any quicker? Get in here, now!

Ron: …Um, Perce? We've all been in here for the last five minutes.

Percy: Shut up. Now, boys dorms, this way, girls dorms this way. Since this is never covered in the movies, I'll mention it now: It is impossible for boys to enter the girls dorms, the stairs will turn into a slide if you try. This is a bit of a double standard, since girls can go into the boys dorms whenever they like and cause just as much damage. Though this rule was created a good thousand years ago, so you could forgive the founders for being sexist. Still, you'd just think that maybe the teachers would have fixed this by now, but nooo...

Harry: What if it's an emergency, like the incident in Book Five kinda was?

Percy: Well then you're SOL, aren't ya?

Harry: Lovely.

~The Flower Girl has a weird accent in the Fifth Video Game. Also she was moved to a completely different part of the castle for some reason.~

iheartmwpp: I find it absolutely adorable that Ron immediately replaces his red bedcovers with a quilt his mum probably made for him. And…apparently everyone gets free stuff when they're sorted, including new ties, jumpers, robes, scarves, and cloaks. So they essentially wasted their money on robes they'd be wearing for a total of one day. Um…what? Why? Okay, word of advise to the kids coming in next year for the movies, just get the skirts/trousers and shoes, maybe shirts, but don't get anything else, you'll get it when you get sorted anyway.

Harry and Hedwig: *are also freaking adorable*

~In their Chapter by Chapter segment of Book Seven, MuggleCast started playing songs every time a character died after Hedwig blew up. Shame, I'd have liked to see what they would've picked for her.~

Review or Bitchface Thestrange will make you become prematurely acquainted with a piece of drapery.


	4. Teh MATH OR LOGIC, CAN’T HAVE BOTH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeff Dunham, Portal, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, Yu Yu Hakusho, The Room, the I'm Too Sexy song, The Seeker by The Who, or Rifftrax.

~It makes sense that there's no science classes, but there is no math or any kind of literature or writing classes. Do they learn anything in this place?~

Harry and Ron: *are skipping merrily down the hallway as fast as they can*

KITTY!: *is teaching the class. How awesome is that?!*

Harry and Ron: *break the door down*

Malfoy: Smooth.

Hermione: Oh. My. God. How can a student ever be late for a class? They'll never get perfect attendance records now! And those are so important later in life!

Ron: Allow me to make fun of our teacher on our first day of classes, since it's not like this is a class of magic where she could obviously bend the laws of physics to find some way of overhearing my rather rude insult.

KITTY!: *is now Maggie Smith again, and that transformation was pretty decent, why couldn't they have kept that for the other Animagi in Film Three?*

Ron: …Marry me?

McGonagall: Yeah no. Potter, pick your jaw off the floor, I'm about to threaten you with some cruel and unusual punishment.

Harry: *bends down to pick jaw off floor*

McGonagall: Maybe I'll turn you two into pocket watches so one of you might be on time?

Harry: ...That doesn't make any sense. If we're both inanimate objects, how can either of us get around? And besides, we got lost, it's our first time trying to find your class, cut us some slack!

McGonagall: Then perhaps a map?

Harry: Actually, that would be rather useful. Now that I think about it, why aren't maps standard issue around here? Sure, staircases and sometimes entire rooms move around a lot, but I'm not talking about the Marauder's Map here, you could at least have the basics like classes and the Great Hall. Better yet, I think school should open a week before classes start so first years can explore the castle and find out where everything is, so they don't get lost on their way to classes and have their teachers immediately dislike them. I mean, it's our first day, you can't expect us to have the whole freaking castle memorized!

McGonagall: That's nice, now sit down and shut up.

Harry and Ron: *pout*

~Hooray for an all-star cast that has to deal with their characters eventually getting shoved aside as ineffectual and useless!~

Snape: Everyone sit down and shut the Goddamn hell up.

Students: Meep.

Snape: I expect most of you to fail this class, largely because I'm a bigoted asshole who lashes out at anyone who isn't in my own House and don't accept anyone who doesn't get a ridiculously high O.W.L. into my N.E.W.T. classes. By doing this, I'm basically discouraging a lot of promising wizards from getting decent careers that may require a Potions N.E.W.T., which almost proves that Dumbledore really doesn't care about your education whatsoever and further motivates those fanfiction writers who want to portray him as a heartless bastard. I must admit, he does seem to make it easier for them every time a new book comes out. Seriously, aside for protecting the last link to the woman I loved, what the hell am I still doing here? Anyway, for those of you who I don't automatically fail, there will be cake.

Malfoy: Sweet.

Harry: *OBVIOUSLY TAKING NOTES* Fanfiction…writers…heartless…bastard…

Snape: PAY ATTENTION, DAMN YOU!

Harry: I am paying attention, I'm taking very detailed notes on this!

Hermione: Oh my God, Harry, I can't believe you'd be so barbaric as to ignore a professor.

Harry: Dude, you're sitting right next to me, you can clearly see I'm taking notes on what he's saying!

Hermione: Yes, I can see that your handwriting drastically changed between cuts. Besides, you should be able to instantaneously memorize exactly what Professor Snape's saying like we can. Shouldn't it be obvious, since the rest of the class isn't taking notes either?

Rest of the class: Nah, that's just you, we're just in awe that it's ALAN FREAKING RICKMAN.

Snape: So you must be Harry Potter. I can tell just by not talking to you that you're a no good, good-for-nothing, nobody like your father.

Harry: Um…

Snape: Tell me, what is the law of Equivalent Exchange?

Hermione: *raising her hand* Oooh! Oooh ooooh ooooooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Harry: …

Snape: You don't know? Well let's try again. What is the center of a Go board called?

Hermione: Please call on me, ohpleaseohpleaseohplease…

Harry: …Iunno anything about Japanese board games.

Snape: And what is the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?

Hermione: Okay, anyone who hasn't read about that should be ashamed of themselves.

Harry: True dat, yo…but I haven't so I don't know it.

Snape: Wow you're thick.

Harry: No fair, none of this stuff has anything to do with Potions anyway!

Snape: SILENCE! I KEEL YOU! *storms over to him* Granger, seriously, why is your hand still up? And for your information, Potter, the law of Equivalent Exchange is that to obtain something, something of equal value must be lost. The center of a Go board is called tengen. As for the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything, it is forty-two.

Hermione: Called it!

Snape: Oh God, do you ever shut up? Also, you all should have been taking notes during that rant, good luck recalling all that 'cause I'm not repeating it!

Harry: I'm not writing a damn thing down, I learned my lesson!

Hermione: I don't exactly think…oh, forget it.

Snape: And Gryffindors…the cake is a lie.

Gryffindors: *GASP*

~Exactly why did they cut that scene in two? What, was the film two minutes too long or something?~

Seamus: *says something decidedly not Latin, I had no idea what the hell he said without using subtitles twenty viewings ago*

Harry: …The hell did he just say?

Ron: I think he's wondering why the rum's always gone. Wait, why would an eleven year old want rum, isn't that kind of sending a bad message to kids? No wonder parents hate this franchise!

Seamus: *explodes*

Audience: …WOW this series is dark.

Ron: Yeah, there's that too.

Owls: *fly around like crazy…actually about ten of them do, the rest are all CGI*

Students: *are bombarded by packages; the Hospital Wing was suddenly filled with patients suffering from concussions and skull fractures*

Ron: Cool, a letter that's not shrieking at me! *chucks aside the only way we'll ever know about anything happening outside of Hogwarts*

Harry: Yoink!

Dean: Hey look! Neville's got a MacGuffin!

Hermione: I've read about this one! Aside from one tiny reference in Book Five, it will never be used or mentioned again after this book!

Neville: Sheesh, how many MacGuffins does this movie have?

Lee: Oh sure, one of the few times I'm actually included in a scene and I'm glaring in disgust at one of the most beloved characters in the entire septology. Thanks, filmmakers, I appreciate that.

Harry: Hey Ron, check this shit out. Someone broke into the one place that was said to be unbreakable, and they did it without inside help from a goblin, Polyjuice Potion, or escaping on the back of a dragon! How unbelievable is that? Oh, and Hagrid and I totally emptied that vault earlier…I shouldn'a told yeh tha'…

Ron: Huh, what a crazy random happenstance. Hermione, what do you think? Wait, why am I asking you and why are we even sharing this lovely piece of exposition with you, we're not even friends! In fact, we think you're quite annoying and we try to stay away from you as much as possible. So why are we clearly exchanging significant looks with you and the camera is focusing on you? Is the film trying to spell out for the audience that we shall become an Almighty Trio of Friendship later on, because that's kind of annoying.

~In case anyone was wondering, Seamus was saying, "Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum."~

Madam Hooch: 'Sup, dawgs?

Class: Good afternoon, Madam Hooch

Madam Hooch: Okay, what is this, kindergarden? And apparently I know one of you personally, I didn't know there were any Amandas in this year…group…thing.

iheartmwpp: I have a wig just like that…weird…

Madam Hooch: Anyway, everyone step up to the left side of their broomstick and raise your right hand over it, because none of you could possibly be left-handed, that's just sick, disgusting, and wrong. Now, everyone shout "UP!" over and over again for my amusement.

Harry: UP!

Harry's broom: M'kay.

Hermione: What? Someone can't possibly be better in a class than me! OMG MY LIFE IS OVER! I'LL NEVER SUCCEED IN ANYTHING!

Seamus: Oh shut up.

Hermione: Didn't you explode earlier?

Seamus: Yeah, I do that.

Hermione: …Right then…

Malfoy: UP! *broom immediately rises* Ha HA! What do you think of that, Pott—Oh, you managed it too…Right then…

Ron: UP!

Ron's broom: Fine, if you're gonna be like that about it! *thwacks Ron in the nose*

Rifftrax: HA! You know, that never gets old! I love the pain of others!

Madam Hooch: Now then, since the rest of you clearly got your brooms to rise somehow offscreen, we shall now proceed to mount our brooms and grip the handles tightly.

Vast majority of audience: *snicker*

Madam Hooch: Wow, real mature. Anyway, when I blow my whistle, you will all kick off the ground hard. I want you to keep your broom steady and hover without actually telling you how to go about doing that. Best of luck, I hope you don't die. *blows whistle*

Neville: *is the only one who actually listens to the directions*

Hermione: *is refreshingly wrong*

Madam Hooch: Oh my goodness, someone isn't a very good flier! I've never seen anyone actually not do well in my class before, and therefore I am in complete shock and have no idea what to do in this situation!

Neville's flying: *would actually be amusing if there wasn't the very likely possibility that he could fall off and die at any moment*

Madam Hooch: Oh no, he's coming right at us! I could stop him easily with Impedimenta, and also probably get him off his broom while he's frozen like that…OR I COULD DIVE RIGHT OUT OF THE WAY! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Random statue guy: Yoink! Fear not, for I have you, Oh Badass One…Crap, you're kind of heavy at this age—NOES I DROPPED HIM! NOOOOO!

Neville: It's absurdly lucky we had that one extra torch thing right below me and it wasn't on fire. Otherwise, I'd probably really be in trouble—ow in the wrist.

Madam Hooch: Okay, seriously, what the hell was I doing just now? I had plenty of time to get up, run over with the other students, and cast a Cushioning Charm or something! Oh well, I'll just take him to the hospital wing now. If I see any of you riding brooms while I'm away, basically encouraging you to do it since very few children actually listen to authority figures at this age except for freaks like Hermione and iheart, you'll be expelled faster than you can say…"Don't expel me, lady." And considering what else we do for punishment this year, I might have actually been serious if it wasn't Harry Freaking Potter and he hadn't just proven himself to be an athlete, because everyone knows famous athletes can get away with murder. No, really.

Malfoy: Yay, I haz the really really useless MacGuffin! Hee hee, arse. And people call me out for being the only guy who swears in this movie, but Wood says "damn" later on, not to mention everyone else (coughWeasleycough) saying "bloody" all the time, which apparently is a swear in Britain. Actually, Wood also says "bugger," which is also a British swear. So stop yelling at me for saying "arse" already!

Harry: Indeed. Hey, may I please hold onto the MacGuffin for Neville?

Malfoy: Hells no! I can't possibly be nice, I'm the stereotypical Slytherin so therefore I must act like an asshole! WHEEEE! *gets on broom and flies off* What's the matter, Potter? Bit beyond your reach?

Tommy Wiseau: Chicken, cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep, cheep!

Harry: Okay, that's it, no more references to The Room! *mounts broom…snicker*

Hermione: Harry, you can't just go around breaking rules! Though I'm supposed to worship the ground professors walk on so you'd think I'd refer our flying instructor as Madam Hooch instead of just Hooch. Anyway, it's not like you were somehow born with an instinct for flying wonderfully!

Harry: Yeah, I'm feeling reckless so I'm not going to listen to you. Expect this to become a recurring thing. *flies off and instantly proves he's awesome*

Hermione: What. An. Idiot.

Ron: …What are you talking about? He just proved he can fly amazingly so he doesn't have anything to worry about! And he's just trying to defend a friend, that's what our House is mostly about doing! Frankly, he's being the perfect little Gryffindor, he'll probably get rewarded for this!

Harry: Give it here, Malfoy, or I'll attempt to murder you!

Malfoy: Wow, must run in the family.

Harry: Dad tried to save Snape, damn it!

Malfoy: Well I heard he just got cold feet. And considering that he continued to hang out with the guys who really almost did kill him—

Harry: Don't you drag Remus into this!

Malfoy: Guilt by association. Besides, I'm prejudiced against werewolves in addition to everyone and everything else. Anyway, since your father still hung out with them and was still clearly an asshole until, we're told, his seventh year, maybe the Getting Cold Feet theory might not be entirely implausible.

Harry: Wait, why are we discussing this in this scene? Shouldn't it wait till Film Three?

Filmmakers: *die of laughter* Good one! As if we'd include any semblance of plot!

Harry: …But don't Dumbledore and I foreshadow this kind of incredibly important subplot at the end of this year?

Filmmakers: Your point?

Harry: Oh come on! I liked that plot, I get to find out about my dad and his friends and stuff! Must take out petty anger on this floating target!

Malfoy: Hey, they're the ones who decided to ditch the HOLY CRAP! *dives out of the way* You know what, smashing this useless MacGuffin is actually really tame revenge considering you just tried to kill me. Chuck.

Harry: NOT THE MACGUFFIN! *speeds after it, gravity conveniently slows down so he can catch it* Wow that was easy.

McGonagall: Oh snap! I must take off my glasses to further display my disbelief that a student…actually managed to catch that thing! That was amazing! Who cares he nearly committed murder and was breaking rules set up by another professor, Charlie Weasley couldn't have done better! Which is pretty clear by the fact that he really only left Hogwarts like last year and yet we haven't won in almost a decade…

Harry: Yay, I finally did something I feel is worth recognition for! BOW BEFORE ME!

Students: Yay, more reason to worship the great Harry Potter! *glomps him*

One random guy: That was wicked, Harry! And apparently I haven't reached puberty by the time Film Three rolls around, since I say the exact same thing in the exact same voice once you ride Buckbeak. Ah well, not all of our balls can drop when we're twelve.

McGonagall: I miraculously appeared down here to supposedly tell off Harry Potter!

Harry: Wait, how the crap did you get down here so quickly? I was on a freaking broom, you had to physically walk down from your office, walking down Merlin knows how many stairs to get down here! Did you Apparate or something?

Hermione: I keep telling you, you can't—

Everyone else: OMFG SHUT UP.

McGonagall: Actually I just walked.

Harry: But that still doesn't explain—

McGonagall: BRISKLY!

Harry: …Kay then…

McGonagall: Yep. So come on already!

Harry: Wait, I can't keep up with your BRISK WALKING!

Quirrell: I am holding an iguana and talking about vampire bats.

Book readers: Animals, huh? Must be teaching third years.

Oliver: *bursts into song* I'm too sexy for Film Three, too sexy for Film Three, oh woe is me…

Book readers: …Or fifth years. Either way.

McGonagall: …Right, anyway, here's the new guy for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, since underfed glasses-wearing nerds are always the best choice for sports teams!

~They call me the Seeker/I've been searching low and hiiiiigh/I won't get to get what I'm after/Till the day I die~

John Cleese: Hey, I'm still in this movie! Who'da thunk?

Ron: Seeker? But first years never make the house teams! You must be the most obvious case of blatant favoritism in—

Harry: About fifteen or sixteen years, give or take, according to McGonagall. It's the only explanation for why Sirius wasn't expelled for attempting to kill someone. Seriously, was he even punished at all?

Fred (I assume): Hey, the main male character of the series made the sports team! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.

Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too!

Harry: Wow, I'm doomed. Ah well, least my death will be awesome since it's them.

George (I assume): Actually, our job is to kill players on the opposing team to make sure they don't kill you. Still, can't make any promises, we've been known to make mistakes.

Fred: Too right, you should see what we accidentally did to our last Seeker.

George: Legs were definitely not meant to come out of those places.

Fred: Still, no pressure or anything! *twins leave*

Harry: Kill me now. Quickly. Please.

Ron: Oh come on, Harry, of course people would watch it for the bloodshed and death! What else d'you think they'd come for? Watching people toss a ball back and forth for several hours while a couple of players look around for the MacGuffin? That's just stupid!

Harry: I'm so gonna fail at this.

Hermione: *chucking aside a book in an extreme case of OOC-ness and running up to them* No you won't, since apparently extreme athleticism is in the genes and requires no actual training whatsoever.

Harry: That's really pushing it.

Hermione: You have no idea. Also, turns out this particular MacGuffin is actually a plot device.

Ron: …Right, I knew that.

~I don't think anyone can even think about Snitches anymore without sniffling a little on the inside.~

Hermione: *point*

Badge: James Potter, Seeker.

Obsessive fandom: Oh HELLS no!

Ron: Wow! Harry, you never told me your father was a Seeker too!

Obsessive fandom: That's because he was Chaser! CHASER, not bloody Seeker!

Harry: I…didn't know.

Obsessive fandom: Of course you didn't, because it's NOT FUCKING TRUE!

Hermione: *looks quite pleased with herself*

Obsessive fandom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

~Okay, I know James playing with the Snitch in that flashback didn't really help, but come on, JKR was supposed to have been heavily involved in this!~

Review or I'll set you up on a date with Moaning Myrtle.


	5. Teh RON TOOK OUT A FUCKING TROLL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Pokémon, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Lord of the Rings, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Naruto: The Abridged Series, Star Wars Episode IV, Howard the Duck, The Lion King, or Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, or Rifftrax.

~You know, I actually like Hermione in the books. In the first two movies, she's all right. Third film and beyond? Either grow your bangs back or stop moving your eyebrows! Pick one! Oh, and act with more than one expression.~

Ron: I'm telling ya, it's spooky! She knows more about you than you do!

Harry: Who doesn't?

EVERYONE ON THE PLANET WHO HASN'T LIVED UNDER A ROCK FOR THE PAST FIFTEEN YEARS: *is cackling hysterically*

Staircase: I'm bored. *moves*

Ron: *high pitched squeal of fear*

Harry: Smooth. So anyway…WTF?

Hermione: Remember the foreshadowing where the staircases move and stuff?

Book readers: We were expecting weird crap like this a lot sooner, actually.

Harry: Well, instead of going back like smart people, let's go this way!

Ron: WHEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: I should really be discouraging this, but I'm so freaking lonely that I just don't care anymore.

Third Floor: *has a giant statue of a humpbacked person*

Obsessive fandom: OMFG ENTRANCE TO THAT TUNNEL TO HONEYDUKES!

Movie watchers and casual book readers: ... *slowly inch away from the crazies*

Harry: Okay, really dark and cobwebs everywhere. I'm starting to freak out a lot now.

Hermione: OMG we're going to be in so much trouble, we're on the third floor, that's forbidden, we're all going to die horrible painful deaths and it'll go on our permanent records! DEAR GOD WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE?

KITTY!: Hi.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAHHH, CAT! RUN AWAY! *runs away*

Harry: Crap! A locked door, my one weakness!

Hermione: GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY! *whips out her wand—NO NOT THAT WAND* Alohomora!

Door decorated with a cute little sign that says, "WARNING, THIS ROOM CONTAINS SOMETHING LORD VOLDEMORT REALLY WANTS AND GIANT MONSTERS OF DEATHLY DOOM AND EVIL NINJAS AND HOMICIDAL UNICORNS AND OTHER ASSORTED POTTED PLANTS. PLEASE KEEP OUT" outlined in little hearts: *opens*

Ron: Aloha-what now?

Hermione: I conveniently read ahead! Expect this to be the only reason we hang out in the future!

Filch: Meow?

KITTY!: Nope, they got away.

Filch: *sniff* Meow…

KITTY!: Don't worry, we'll get them next time.

Hermione: My telepathic powers tell me that Filch is gone.

Ron: I'm stupid!

Hermione: I'm not!

Harry: I just wet myself.

Fluffy: *does a really tiny bark that makes it sound like a sick Chihuahua puppy*

Harry, Hermione, and Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! *flees*

~When danger reared its ugly head/They bravely turned their tail and fled/Yes the brave trio ran about/And, gallantly, they chickened out...~

Ron: *brings up a seriously good point of a giant-ass evil dog from the depths of hell being blocked by a spell a FIRST YEAR WOULD KNOW in a school FULL OF LITTLE CHILDRENS*

Hermione: Well obviously it's guarding something, did you idiots not see the trapdoor it was standing on?

Ron: *again, comes up with extremely logical point that Hermione probably should have thought of*

Harry: What? I actually have a line during one of these two characters' arguments? Oh dear God, THE WORLD IS ENDING!

Hermione's and Ron's final lines of the scene: *cannot be topped*

~I really want to hear the arguments that went into naming their kids. I mean, Hugo? Really? And yes that movie was awesome but the name's still stupid.~

Oliver: Quidditch is impossibly difficult to understand, and I'm not gonna repeat myself so you better pay attention. Book readers can reread that section of the book, but movie watchers will have to resort to subsequent movie viewings or wait till it comes out on DVD or VHS.

Harry: What's VHS?

Oliver: …Wow I'm old. So there are three kinds of balls—

Audience: *snicker*

Oliver: I know, right? LOL. Anyway. *takes out something that's supposed to be a ball but looks more like a deformed Pokémon or something* This one's called the Quaffle. Now the Chasers have to chuck it around like in basketball and try to get it through one of those rather fragile looking hoops. Seriously, if those things weren't magic they'd never stay up. The Keeper, that's me…

Fangirls: *swoon*

Oliver: …defends the hoops. With me so far?

Harry: Not at all, I was laughing at the balls comment and didn't hear a thing you just said.

Oliver: Whatever, they don't really pertain to you anyway.

Harry: Cool. So what are those ominous looking things struggling in vain to get out of the box that can just barely hold in their murderous rage?

Oliver: You better take this. *hands Harry a toothpick*

Harry: Wait…what?

Oliver: *unties a piece of dental floss and the bludger immediately breaks free*

Bludger: Hello, everyone! My, what a beautiful day it is!

Harry: *hits Bludger*

Bludger: OW! What was that for? I just wanted a hug! *bursts into tears, flies away, and crashes into a cabbage cart*

Cabbage merchant: MY CABBAGES!

Oliver: WOW you fail.

Bludger: WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE DIE WHEN I TOUCH IT.

Oliver: *blows it up with a bazooka*

Harry: …Huh?

Oliver: Bludger. Nasty little cocksuckers. Their purpose, which I didn't get around to explaining in the film, come to think of it, I just demonstrated what they did…Anyway, they exist to try and literally kill the players. No really, they're there to knock players off their brooms. So they would fall from hundreds of feet in the air. And die. Honestly, if it weren't for the Beaters and our slightly faster brooms, not one of us would be alive right now. Which is why first-year students are usually exempt from playing. Twelve-year-olds, on the other hand, are perfectly old enough to be trained as pigs for the slaughter. And you also have this fine honor at eleven! Aren't you excited?!

Harry: …Mummy…

Oliver: Anywho, none of that matters to you because you're the Seeker, the most important role in the game. No pressure or anything. The only thing I want you to worry about—besides the other players and the balls that'll constantly try to murder you and the Beaters trying to use said balls to constantly try to murder you and the score on occasion—is this: The Golden Snitch!

Harry: Shiiiiiiny…

Oliver: Yeah now it's shiny, just wait till it's covered in your innards. Also, I do in fact say "Damn" here, but no one can really tell because of my sexy Scottish accent unless they put subtitles on or they watch it through for the eighth time and realize that's what I meant.

Harry: Uh huh, so what do I do with this thing anyway?

Oliver: Just catch it before the Bludgers and Beaters kill you and before the other guy does. Then the other guys can kill you and I won't care in the slightest. Seriously, read my book description, I'm kind of an asshole. Anyway, you catch this, the game is over. You catch this, Potter, and we win. No really, there is absolutely no point in the others actually playing, it's really a battle between the Seekers, the Snitch is worth so many points nothing else matters. I guess the rationale was that it'd be boring to just watch two people race to catch a random ball thing so the other players provide the entertainment in the meantime, but our roles are still mostly pointless. *sob* MY EXISTENCE HAS NO MEANING!

Harry: That's nice. *watching his new toy fly around*

Snitch: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!

~You'd think the fact that a Snitch has flesh memories of the Seeker who caught it would have been mentioned in Quidditch Through the Ages.~

Warwick Davis: In a random interview with MuggleCast, I revealed that anytime I talk about acting with anyone, it always becomes a mini Charms lesson! Swish and flick!

iheartmwpp: He's just too freaking adorable, I loves this scene.

Ron: Watch me not even attempt to swish and flick! Wingardrium Leviosa!

Hermione: Since I'm so smart, you'd think that by now I'd realize that the reason I have no friends is because I act like I'm better than everyone else. Anyway, stop waving your wand like that, you're going to take someone's eye out. And it's Levi-o-sa, not Levio-sar.

Ron: Actually, you should be commenting on the fact that I said Wingar-DRIUM instead of Wingar-DIUM, genius. Also, in the books it's stated that it's not even my wand, it's Charlie's, so of course my spells would be weaker! Look at this thing, it even looks old as hell, there are gouges all over it! That should give you a clue that it's used! Didja factor that in, Einstein?

Hermione: Whatev, watch me take up all the attention of the teacher and cameras.

Seamus: Oh hell no! Comic relief time, bitches! *explodes*

Harry: I think we're going to need another halfway-decent child actor over here, Professor.

~It was kind of creepy seeing Flitwick's new look from Film Three and up in the Lego game, I'm so used to the bearded version from the first movie.~

Ron: Want me to have a flashback of what just happened thirteen seconds ago?

Other boys: *laughing hysterically*

Audience: Wow, they already replaced Seamus's actor again, that was quick.

Hermione: *runs past crying*

iheartmwpp: …Oh my god, IT'S ME! *horrible memories of elementary and middle school returning* AAAHH! NOES, DO NOT WANT!

Harry and Ron: *totally defy anyone I've ever dealt with at school and actually feel bad about what they said*

~I also had only a couple of friends in elementary and middle school. One moved away, and the other stopped being friends with me because I wouldn't lend her a pencil. Goooood times...~

Floating Pumpkins: *singing* In this town we call home/Everyone hail to the pumpkin song.

Students: YAY SUGAR AND CANDY! OM NOM NOM!

Harry: I think I should be depressed since this is the ten-year anniversary of my parents' deaths and everyone else should be celebrating a lot more since it's been a full decade since Voldemort was defeated, but who cares about that when you have CANDY! OM NOM—Wait, where's Hermione?

Neville: Parvati Patil, who we won't physically show for two more films, said she wouldn't come out of the girl's bathroom. Something about bawling her eyes out and wailing about having no friends. Instead of actually going in to try and comfort her, she's just going everywhere and spreading rumors about it for a laugh. And they sleep in the same dorm, how does Hermione put up with her?!

Harry: *glares at Ron*

Ron: Hey, I'll feel guilty and apologize when I get a ridiculous stomach ache from all the candy and junk food, all right?

Harry: Okay, fair enough.

Quirrelll: YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BE QUESTIONING WHY I WASN'T AT THE FEAST TO BEGIN WITH! I mean, uh, there's a troll in the dungeons. And stuff. Yeah. *faint is semi-convincing*

Malfoy's face: *is priceless*

Dumbledore: SILENCE, BITCHES!

Audience: And this is why we will always prefer Richard Harris.

Dumbledore: Prefects, will lead their House back to the dormitories—

Slytherins: Our dorms are in the dungeons!

Dumbledore: Oh. Well…despite all of the planning JKR did on this series and the castle itself before even starting Book One, could it still be safe to assume that maybe she didn't think of that yet?

Slytherins: Considering there's intense foreshadowing for Book Seven a couple of scenes from now, no. No it isn't.

Dumbledore: …

Slytherins: …

Dumbledore: …Too bad, go anyway.

Slytherins: DAMN YOU, OLD MAN!

Snape: According to the schematics set up by the Fourth Film and Fifth Video Game, I seem to be sneaking into the Trophy Room with no known exit. Why?

Percy: Considering my youngest brother is among the group I'm in charge of, you'd think I'd be paying closer attention in case he wanders off. He is, after all, also related to Fred and George.

Harry: So I already know there's a giant Cerberus of death, destruction and chaos in the school, and yet I'm still wondering how a troll managed to get in.

Ron: Not on its own, trolls are really stupid. Probably people playing jokes…and upon saying that I should immediately pin the blame on my brothers, seeing as Peeves was cut and there are no Marauders to speak of aside from Wormtail who most people don't count anyway despite the fact Prongs wouldn't have made him Secret Keeper if he didn't trust him. Well, Prongs Jr. is here too, I guess…

Harry: Speaking of Book Three, it seems like the threat of Mountain Trolls diminishes like the Cave Trolls in Lord of the Rings, since we have one this year and everyone freaks out about it, but two years from now there'll be a whole group of them guarding the Fat Lady's portrait and no one questions it or worries about it…hey, Hermione wasn't at the feast, we should probably go and get her or something.

Ron: Oh, okay.

Troll: Man, I gotta take a leak.

Ron: …Can we panic now?

Harry: What a pervert, he's going into the girl's bathroom!

Ron: That's disgusting!

Harry: …Wanna go check it out as well?

Ron: HELLZ YEAH.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Hermione: *sniff* Might as well see if there's any candy left, I know for a fact that chocolate makes everything better despite Professor Lupin not being here yet—Holy shit that's a giant troll thing.

Troll: Dude, what the hell? This is the men's room, GTFO.

Hermione: Um, actually…

Troll: I SHALL DISPLAY MY ANNOYANCE WITH YOUR MISTAKE BY ATTEMPTING TO MURDER YOU.

Hermione: You'd think I would have more of a terrified expression on my face since a giant-ass troll is trying to kill me, but you'd be wrong.

Troll: Hey, who does my voice, anyway? Was that in the credits, I haven't checked.

Bathroom stalls: *cry out in terror and were suddenly silenced*

Hermione: I'm surprised I don't at least have a few bruises by the end of this…Oh, right, trying to live, right…

Troll: And I still really need to pee.

Ron and Harry: *singing* Here we come to save the daaaaay!

Hermione: Finally, help as arrived—Oh, it's you two. I'm really gonna die, aren't I?

Harry: Um, maybe if you got the hell out of the way?

Hermione: Okay, I'll try—OH GOD WITH THE SPLINTERS AND THE DYING!

Harry: Well that went well, let's try to distract it, seeing as we're first years and really don't know any spells yet.

Ron: Take this you bastard! Alohomora!

Door: *opens*

Troll: Ha ha, fail.

Hermione: He'll never see someone dressed in black trying to hide under a white sink!

Troll: That's racist! I CUT YOU!

Hermione: Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good IDEA OH GOD!

Ron: This does not bode well.

Hermione: HELP!

Ron: What do you want us to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

Harry: That's stupid. I've got a better idea! *grabs onto troll's club thing and gets pulled up onto his head*

Ron: HOW IN HELL IS THAT A GOOD IDEA.

Troll: Okay, I don't care how stupid I'm supposed to be, how do I keep missing like this? I really should've hit her this time…hey, get off my head!

Harry: Craaaaap, really should've thought this through—OH GOD WITH THE SHAKING!

Harry's wand: No, no, not up his nose, not up his nose, please God anywhere but up his nose—AAAAARRRGGG I'm up his nose this is so not cool.

Ron: Um…ew.

Hermione: Wait, how are we finding time to find this disgusting when we're horrified for our lives?

Troll: Okay, that's it, I can barely breath! You, off my head!

Harry: Um, help? Please? Anyone? DO SOMETHING!

Rifftrax: Well I've always wanted to learn how to play the mandolin!

Ron: Dude, we're just first years, what could we possibly do against a fully grown Mountain Troll?

Harry: WHY DIDN'T YOU POINT THAT OUT SOONER.

Hermione: If I'm suddenly calm enough to give him tips on his spell casting, you'd think I'd be calm enough to cast it myself. But nooo, the one with the scrotum always has to save the helpless female. Also how did I know he was even gonna use the Levitation Charm.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Troll: Despite missing you every single time before due to either bad aim or ridiculous Deus Ex Machina on the part of the director or whatever, I'm sure I'll get you this time—wait, where'd my club go?

Club: You'd think if you actually managed to hit Harry with your arm, it'd still do some damage or something. But no, you still miss. Why do we hang out?

Troll: Oh, there you are! How'd you get up—Ow in the head.

Harry: Wow, really lucky I didn't fall on my head or crack my skull open or something. I should probably get out of the way before this big fat guy falls on me in a drunken heap. Damn it, I wanted to not be reminded of my uncle this year!

Hermione: Did…did we just take the first life in this series?

Harry: Well technically the first lives taken would've been my parents, but who cares about them, really? No, I think he's just knocked out.

Troll: Nope, can still hear everything. Hey, could you get this thing out of my nose now?!

Harry: Oh, right, sorry! Huh, your bogies are less nasty than I thought they'd be! Really, it's just a long trail of clear slimy stuff, I was expecting something green and chunky.

Ron: Again with the ew.

McGonagall, Snape, and Quirrell: And here we are, the authority figures who always arrive just too late to do anything!

McGonagall: So…what the hell just happened?

Ron and Harry: Hermione wasn't at the feast because we were stupid and made fun of her and she ran off crying so we wanted to warn her about the troll but the troll ended up attacking her so we ended up saving her.

McGonagall: Oh, well that's all right then—

Hermione: Actually, it's all my fault since I…I read about trolls so I thought I could handle it even though everything I read probably pointed out that they could only be taken out by fully grown wizards and I would never attempt anything so dangerous at this point in time. So yeah, try to believe that pathetically feeble excuse.

McGonagall: For some reason, I do. And I don't care that you almost just died, I have a lecture to give!

Snape's leg: I'm bleeding. Making me the victor.

Harry: I'm sure on some planet your strategy is considered powerful, but your weak link is: this is Earth.

Snape: Quiet you.

Harry: NEVER! I must glare suspiciously at you! GLARE!

Snape: Uh huh.

McGonagall: And I'm still talking! So yeah, if you had actually told the truth, you probably wouldn't have gotten in trouble, since who can really blame a twelve-year-old girl for getting her feelings hurt and going off alone to cry, in which case you weren't even at the feast so you didn't even hear Dumbledore's orders. No one would really blame you for breaking rules you didn't hear about. And Weasley and Potter really did want to save you, so they would just be told off and then instantly rewarded anyway. So basically, your lie is pointless. Five points from Gryffindor for failing to realize that.

Hermione: Oh, fine then. See if I ever stick up for them again.

Ron: Oh you will, you know you love us.

McGonagall: As for you two gentlemen—

Snape: HA!

McGonagall: Shut up. Anyway, I just hope you realize how lucky you are to be the main characters, since no one else would have survived this. Not many first year students can take on a fully grown Mountain Troll and live to tell the tale.

Harry: Yeah, that should kind of be a hint to you when we find out about the Stone and everything else that of course we could find out about it in the first place and also try to go after it and mostly succeed. Idiot.

McGonagall: Five points…will be awarded to each of you.

Harry and Ron: YAY FOR NOT FOLLOWING OUR HEADMASTER'S OR PREFECT'S ORDERS AND ALMOST GETTING OURSELVES KILLED YAAAAAAAAY!

McGonagall: Well that, and you did kind of save another student's life, so some kind of reward is warranted for that if nothing else.

Snape: I glare at you, sir!

Quirrell: Meep.

Harry: I instantly blame Snape for everything and think he's threatening you and stuff.

Quirrell: Good for you, now GTFO.

Troll: Hey, I don't have to go potty anymore!

Quirrell: Oh shut up Gary.

~Nope, no idea where that name came from.~

Harry: Thanks for lying for us even though it was completely unnecessary.

Ron: Dude, we just saved her life, she'd want to do something to repay us even if it's pointless! It's the thought that counts!

Harry: Yeah well this whole thing could've been avoided if you hadn't insulted her.

Ron: Yeah, but then I seriously doubt we would've become friends until Merlin knows when. It was a necessary sacrifice, even if we all did just almost die.

Hermione: True, but at least that won't become the norm for us.

Harry: Um…

Almighty Trio of Friendship: *is born*

~Throughout the series, Ron's always been my favorite of the trio because, despite his faults, he's the least annoying. By far. In both the books and films.~

Review or the next chapter shall be a Troll/Fluffy oneshot. With lemons. Don't think I won't do it.


	6. Teh IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE RULES THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie, book or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, David Copperfield, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Love Actually, Galaxy Quest, anything from Greek mythology, or Rifftrax.

~And I basically chucked in a bunch of facts from Quidditch Through the Ages. Did you know that they're actually not allowed to replace injured players during the game? The hell's wrong with these people?!~

Ron: Hey Harry, you gonna eat that bacon?

Hermione: Harry, you have to have some food in you, you can't go all day without eating anything, it's unhealthy!

Harry: Guys, would you rather I not eat or end up vomiting all over the place due to nerves? And all things considered, I'm probably way used to it considering that I most likely haven't grown accustomed to Hogwarts's bountiful feasts yet, so this should really be no different than normal.

Snape: Allow me to act oddly out of character by wishing the offspring of my most hated rival good luck in a Quidditch match. You know, the thing I reportedly most hated Potter Sr. for according to Lupin even though he is apparently as blind as Lily was? Exactly why am I doing this again? I heavily protest these abrupt changes to my character and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

Harry: I get it! It's solely to provide yet another red herring that says Snape's the actual bad guy even though he's really not! Watch how he limps away even though over sixty viewings later iheart still isn't convinced he's limping!

Hermione: She's not the only one, I don't think he's limping either. And I have no idea what you're talking about even though I'm supposed to be the ultra-mega observant one. I saw a trapdoor under a giant murderous thing that was, appropriately enough, trying to kill us, but I didn't see that a teacher's leg was bloody and mangled. Odd, that.

Harry: Yeah, Snape obviously got that injury from Fluffy and not the other beasts of death and destruction that could be scattered all over the school for all we know, there's certainly enough evidence for it. Least in the book I overheard Snape talking to Filch about Fluffy's heads, but in this adaptation I seem to be pulling stuff out of my ass.

Hermione: You know, a really, really dumb question for me to ask would be for me to wonder why anyone would go near that dog. Especially since I was the one who noticed the bloody trapdoor and realized that Fluffy was guarding something. Snape or whoever couldn't possibly be trying to get at whatever Fluffy's guarding, after all, that would be smart.

Harry: And I'm going to break a promise between me and my very first friend EVAR and tell you guys about that one time Hagrid took something seemingly important from a vault at Gringotts, said it was Hogwarts business, very secret. And honestly, if it really was Hogwarts business I expected the entire school to know by now, nothing stays secret for very long...How the hell did the Marauders manage to keep everything hidden, especially Moony?

Ron: I heavily dislike the fact that my only contribution to this conversation is me raising my eyebrows in shock.

Hermione: So…what you're trying to get at is…um…

Harry: Good Lord, girl, they told me you were intelligent! I obviously think that whatever was in Gringotts is now in Hogwarts, being guarded by Fluffy, and Snape's after it! It's really not that difficult to figure out!

Hedwig: Damn, this thing's heavy, I would appreciate the help from the other five owls that were in the book any second now!

Hermione: Bit early for mail, isn't it?

Book readers: Nope, mail is usually delivered at breakfast, I don't know what the films are on about with this whole "lunch" thing. Hey…what happened to the mail after this film? Do owls just show up whenever, 'cause that's what it seems like. Assuming, of course, that the movies decide to remember that owls even exist and what they're for...

iheartmwpp: Every single "Broomstick-Shaped Package" joke has been made already.

McGonagall: *pets Hedwig while having major David Copperfield flashbacks*

~Somebody's goin' down/Somebody's goin' dooown/It ain't gonna be us!~

Angelina: I just thought of something…Harry gets a really good broom the morning of the match, one he hasn't even flown yet, so who knows if he can control it or not?

Alicia: And another thing, what was he using in practice before this? One of the school brooms? Hell, did we even have practice?

Katie: And why were all of us recast in subsequent movies? Did we really suck that much?

Wood: Would you three shut up? You know you don't have any lines! Now watch as I attempt to comfort Harry but actually make him panic worse than ever!

Fred and George: *sniff* We're so proud!

Harry: I hate all of you.

iheartmwpp: So sometimes I have the ill-advised idea of talking about the fanfiction I write with my folks. When I mentioned this one, the father person immediately suggested that Quidditch be changed to croquet. On polo ponies. And everyone but the Keeper would be in a chicken outfit, the Keeper would be a fox.

iheartmwpp's father person: I am not well.

iheartmwpp: Yeah, despite the fact that I still feel guilty about spoiling Book Six for you, most of that's not gonna happen. Chicken outfits can stay, though.

Lee Jordan: In case anyone was wondering, I'm a guy.

Fred and George: Weasleys other than Ron can have friends too, you know.

Screenwriters: Riiiiight.

Steve Kloves: I don't believe you!

Audience: We have no evidence of them practicing, how does Harry know how to fly into that exact formation like that?

Madam Hooch: Now I'll be away for most of the game, so I'm expecting all of you to play fairly and not break any rules.

Flint: LOL.

Random Slytherin player who I believe is Keeper: Holy crap, I have fallopian tubes! But I thought, mainly because of Books Two and Three, that the Slytherin team never let any women play!

Flint: I work in strange and mysterious ways.

Snitch: FEAR ME AND MY EVENTUAL PLOT POINTED-NESS!

Lee: Remember, the Snitch is worth 150 points…why Oliver didn't explain this initially is beyond me. The Seeker who catches the Snitch ends the—Okay, just what did Oliver go over with Harry? Why didn't he tell his Seeker the kind of important details related to the kind of important position he's playing? And even if he did, why am I repeating the most basic rules of Quidditch, it just makes me seem like a complete idiot. I'd rather not have to embarrass myself by repeating rules everyone should know by now. Otherwise, really, what are they doing here?

Quaffle: WHEEEEEEEEE!

Lee: For some reason, the game starts when the Quaffle is released rather than when Madam Hooch blows her whistle. Weird.

Angelina: Yoink! This is how you play Quidditch fairly!

iheartmwpp: Why am I suddenly filled with a desire to play that old Quidditch video game? That was a pretty good game, all things considered.

Lee: And Gryffindor's awesome, so it scores! Ten points to Gryffindor! And something I've been wondering, people are always going on about how, since they won the Quidditch Cup, they were definitely going to win the House Cup, and it's certainly shown to be the case in Book Three…do the points the players earn here get transferred to House points? 'Cause that's so ridiculously unfair, what if, for example, the Hufflepuff Seeker just catches the Snitch and no one ever scores, does Hufflepuff immediately get 150 House points and no one questions it?

iheartmwpp: Years ago, after nearly twenty viewings, I finally broke down and tried something that had been bugging me for quite some time. I freeze framed this part. And I noticed Harry attempting to get the Quaffle from Flint. No, really, look at that scene, it's totally him. Why did the filmmakers decide to do that? Who do they think Harry is, his father, like everyone else? Actually, are Seekers even allowed to go after the Quaffle? *runs off to get Quidditch Through the Ages*

Oliver: Wait, wha…Harry, what do you think you're doing? Leave the Quaffle alone, you're supposed to be looking for the Snitch! Didn't I tell you the other positions didn't matter to you? Just focus on the Snitch while I block the goal with relative ease like I always do! Man I'm awesome!

Harry: And here I am, still following the Chasers instead of actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing! YAYZ!

Gryffindor Chasers: WHEEEEE!

Lee: And Gryffindor scores again! Man, I miss my commentary from the books, it was so awesome, especially when I tried flirting with Angelina in a way that was slightly reminiscent of James pining for Lily, even though when I probably knew that at least Fred fancied her, he did take her to the ball after all, though how she and George got together in the end is beyond me…did she just settle because she thinks they're practically the same anyway? Or does this just prove that not every relationship lasts forever and sometimes people break up and move on and that's perfectly normal and not everyone finds their true love whilst in high school?

Oliver: And I blocked with absolutely no problems again, oh the wonderfulness that is me!

Fangirls: *drool*

Flint: This is probably so completely against the rules it's not even funny, but we need to reinforce the assumption that all Slytherins are evil assholes so…*steals Bole's toothpick and hits bludger at Oliver*

Bludger: I NEVER SAW FRANCE!

iheartmwpp: So Whisp's book's got nothing, I guess it's just assumed that the Seeker would go after the Snitch and ignore everything else since it's so important, so Harry's really being an idiot—WOW that had to hurt!

Oliver: Oh God the agony…Huh, I'm shockingly not dead from that crippling injury. Perhaps Madam Hooch would like to bring Madam Pomfrey out here so my unconscious sexiness could be removed from the pitch and treated before I bleed to death?

Madam Hooch: You know, I would if Zoë Wanamaker hadn't wanted a bigger paycheck so Warner Bros. fired her. You'll see me again at the end of the game and then I'll be gone from the films forever! Yay! Though it's not like I'm really that much of an important character, anyway…Seriously, I don't show up at all in Book Four, and I'm not even featured in the Battle for Hogwarts! What gives, I want to protect the school's Quidditch stadium as much as the next guy!

Bole: …You know, Flint, I could've done that if you had told me to, don't just go around stealing my job. Dick.

Flint: And now to make inappropriate threesome jokes, even though we're basically doing a Parkin's Pincer maneuver, which is shockingly perfectly legal.

Warrington: I'm slightly conflicted about attacking a girl, though, aren't you?

Flint: I'm not sexist! By attacking her, we're acknowledging that she's just as strong as we are! If we don't, we're sending the message that we think all women are weak! That, and Gryffindor will have a fair advantage, and who needs that, really?

Warrington: Oh, that's why we have a girl on the team in this movie! I thought it was just the producers trying to make the cast slightly more diverse.

Flint: Nope, I'm just awesome.

Angelina: OH GOD WHO PUT ALL THE RUSTY KNIVES UNDER THE CURTAIN.

Dumbledore: Filch had to put his old torture equipment somewhere.

Angelina: *comes out all bloody and disfigured*

Audience: So that's why she was recast…and yet these three were still in the second film…hmm…

Lee: And Slytherin scored twice in the meantime, so now the game's tied and people are really starting to get bored now so if one of the Seekers, preferably Harry since I'm a biased Gryffindor, could hurry up and catch the Snitch now, that'd be great.

Harry: Lucky you said that, I just saw it—Oh sure, as soon as I start actually doing my job my broom has to go batshit. Typical.

Hagrid: Wow, tha' looks really fake, though I suppose it's fine fer its time an' the fact tha' Chris Columbus never really wanted ter use so many special effects anyway…We should all really be worried abou' who might've caused this since it's kind of serious if someone wants ter kill Harry, but I guess we can save all our fuss till Books Three, Five, Six an' Seven. An' maybe Four.

Snape: Wait, Dumbledore's actually here, why do I have to save Potter? He's the one with the awesome and incredible powers and stuff, he should have no problem saving his obvious favorite!

Dumbledore: One hot dog costs TWENTY GALLEONS?! Gah, this is why I rarely come to these games in the books!

Snape: Sigh.

Slytherins: Yay, someone might actually die! THIS IS AWESOME!

Hermione's binoculars: Hey, cool, two people who don't look worries that Harry might die at any moment! But who cares about Quirrel when Alan Rickman always plays the villain in every movie he's ever been in? Like in Love Actually, Sense and Sensibility, and especially in Galaxy Quest!

Hermione: My binoculars are right, this is all Snape's fault!

Ron: Well crap. Any way to save our bestest friendly-friend?

Hermione: Don't worry, I know how to blow shit up.

Ron: ...Question! Why do you never teach Harry and me all of the awesome stuff you learn that would be really helpful for us to know on the off-chance we get stuck in a long-ass WAR where any one of us could die at any moment? Not that you did die, but it would've been cool if, at some point during our REALLY LONG CAMPING TRIP FROM HELL WHERE PRACTICALLY NOTHING HAPPENED, you started teaching us all the cool crap you knew. It certainly might have pushed Harry from using only the save five spells over and over if he knew more magic! And it's in your character to prepare us for whatever happens anyway, why did you never do that?

Hermione: *is already on her way to prevent Snape from saving Harry*

Ron: Damn it, why does she never listen to me.

Harry: Okay, I just came ridiculously close to dying there, I know it practically happens on a monthly basis but there are usually people who help me through this if my rants in Book Five meant anything! Why aren't the twins trying to save me like they did in the book; hell, why isn't Dumbledore doing anything if he's here?! I technically already did fall off my broom since I'm holding on with just my hands now, why aren't my teammates at least calling time out?! Thanks everyone, I truly feel the love.

Ron: Hey, don't look at me, I'm just an ignorant first year who doesn't do any work outside of class. Hermione's supposedly on her way now, though.

Harry: Oh great, you mean I have to wait till she gets back from the library?! I'll be dead by then!

Hermione: How’d I get here so fast. Ah, well. Go, first noncanon spell of the movie franchise!

Half the stadium: *blows up*

Half the students and professors and whoever else showed up: *are horribly bloody and wounded*

Snape: It's cool, I didn't need that arm anyway. *chucks it at Quirrell*

Quirrell: *is already unconscious from the explosion, he didn't really need any extra help*

Harry: Okay, it seems to have worn off now…and for being such a malnourished little boy I seem to have incredible upper body strength, though it was either hang on for dear life and clamber back on or death, so…Hey, the Slytherin Seeker's nearly got the Snitch! It cannot be, no one but Gryffindor can win, I'm the main character and I'm on a sports team, it just doesn't work like that!

Higgs: The Snitch is kinda within arms reach, why aren't I just grabbing it and ending this? Actually, wouldn't it have been cool if I totally caught it while Potter was busy dying?

Harry: No, not really. Now allow me to behave incredibly out of character, all things considered, and slam into you.

Higgs: Yeah, that's really something only us Slytherins would do in order to keep the stereotypes strong. So…I slam you back now, and considering I'm a seventh year and you're a first year, you'd think I'd have knocked you off your broom as well.

Harry: You think that's an issue, how about the fact that I caught up to you with relative ease due to my superior broom, but now we're neck and neck and I show no sign of going any faster. Honestly, I should be miles head of you by now, I should've caught the freaking Snitch by now!

Higgs: Yeah, we're plummeting straight toward the ground and I don't have the Gryffindors' suicidal streak—

Harry: It's called courage!

Higgs: Suuuuure it is, but I kinda wanna live, so I'm gonna pull out now and not try for it again, letting you win.

Harry: Wow, thanks! And now I'm apparently surfing on my broom, man am I awesome even if I have no idea how exactly I'm controlling it. Just a little more, that's it—OH GOD WITH THE FALLING!

Audience: Huh, you think he might've bruised or sprained something.

Harry: Hmm. I'd imagine, since I'm apparently choking on the Snitch, that I'd have my hands to my throat, but I guess wizards just naturally perform the Heimlich maneuver on themselves whenever they're choking. That's really the only reason I can think of for my hands to be on my stomach.

Hagrid: Cool, they're showin' someone throwin' up in a children's movie!

Harry: Bleargh. *coughs up Snitch*

Snitch: That was disgusting beyond all belief.

Lee: He's caught the Snitch! In his mouth, no less! There's no way that'll come into play at the end of the series in the most heart-wrenching way possible! Oh, and in case anyone here's a complete dumbass, I should remind you that Harry Potter receives 150 points for catching it, because obviously none of you would've remembered that.

Madam Hooch: And I'm back for the last time EVAR! Gryffindor so obviously wins! Yay for the automatically assumed-to-be-good guys!

Gryffindors: What she said! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Malfoy: Damn it, who would've guessed that the team with the vastly superior broom would win? Hmm…now there's an idea…

Rifftrax: And so Harry used the moment to seize power. He held a show trial and dished out death sentences to all his enemies. And his bloody reign lasted thirty years.

~You'd think the teachers would launch an investigation to find out how this new broom was jinxed, or that they would confiscate it. I know they thought the Firebolt was sent by Sirius, but this was the broom that had proven to be volatile, and they did nothing! NOTHING!~

Hagrid: Oh sure, someone tries ter kill yeh an' yeh immediately blame someone with a semi-decent motive, like despisin' yer father with the fiery passion o' a thousand suns. Really, why would yeh suspect someone like tha'?

Harry: Well that, and for some reason or other we all think Snape tried to get past that three headed demonic dog of evilness that could only have come from the depths of hell itself. Though technically Cerberus was only at the gates…actually, it's a pretty damn good analogy, or at least would be if the actual tasks were in the least bit challenging, or at least made so a freaking first year couldn't get by. Honestly, you people should've tested this stuff first.

Hagrid: I guess yeh got a point, there—Wait, who told you 'bout Ickle-Fluffikins?

Hermione: That thing has a name?

Hagrid: Figures, yeh get all worked up abou' House Elves having rights when they don' even want 'em but yeh call me beloved pet a thing. Typical. Also, why did I suddenly get Fluffy from an Irish feller, the Greek chap from the books tied in with the whole Cerberus thing so much better.

Harry: Relevant question! What the hell happened to Fluffy after this book? Seriously, he's never mentioned again except in passing!

Hagrid: No more questions! Don' ask anymore questions!

Harry: So we automatically blame Snape for trying to get past Fluffy. How else would he get his leg in that condition, there's never anything dangerous in Hogwarts besides Fluffy, acromantulas, baslilisks, escaped convicts, Dementors, illegal Animagi, werewolves, skrewts, dragons, giant toads of death, actual giants, cursed jewelry, poisoned mead, love potions, Death Eaters, Voldemort, the Weasley twins—

Hagrid: Oh, ploopen-floop. Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher!

Hermione: Hogwarts teacher or not, I know a spell when I see one, I've read all about them! All of them require wands if you're a human, unless you're ridiculously powerful like Dumbledore, or if you had any role in Film Three, though there was that cool bit in Book Three when Remus held that ball of fire he spontaneously conjured somehow because apparently he's a Firebender. Anyway, otherwise, this is the only book where you don't need a wand to perform a curse or spell or whatever. I get that this is JKR's first book, and she set down some pretty definitive laws about magic in future installments, but some consistency, like Snape using more wandless magic on occasion, would still be nice!

Harry: And you know who else is/will be a Hogwarts teacher? Quirrell, Lockhart, Barty Crouch Jr., Umbridge, the Carrows—

Hagrid: Okay, I get it, everyone but Remus was evil or just full o' shit, yeh've made yer point. Just don' worry abou' the plot or Nicolas Flamel, okay, it's not like you three are the main characters or anythin'.

Harry: Nicolas Flamel?

Hagrid: …Shit, shit, shiiiiit…

Harry: Right then, who's Nicolas Flamel?

Hermione: Hell if I know.

Harry and Ron: …Wut.

~So I read The Alchemist for a class one time, and it's so obvious that it's Flamel who's the alchemist, why don't they just come out and say it? Hell, no one is ever named in that book, it was so confusing.~

Review or you'll be forced to listen to Weasley Is Our King being sung off-key for the rest of your lives.


	7. Teh FIRST OF ALL OF TEH SADNESS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie, book or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Diff'rent Strokes, any of the books I listed, Twilight, Farscape, or Rifftrax.

~Still haven't popped in the film yet. I remember this next scene from listening to the soundtrack. Same with the Quidditch match last chapter. I really, really need help.~

Winter: *suddenly arrives, with no owl to help change the weather. Also included is a cute little scene with Hagrid dragging a giant-ass Christmas tree through the snow. Largely pointless, but it's nice to know his existence is still being acknowledged, unlike in later films. Or books*

Random ghosts: *sing a really creepy, not very good Christmas song that somehow made it onto the soundtrack when a good chunk of the music from the Mirror of Erised scene didn't. Uncool*

Hermione: And suddenly I see Harry and Ron playing the only game of chess that'll ever be shown on film besides the giant one later despite it being kind of a favorite pastime of all three of us in the books. Odd that I still can't beat Ron, you'd think I'd have read up on every strategy ever by now.

Harry: I actually like how we have to call out names of positions instead of a vague "Go that way" like in the books.

Ron: Indeed, now watch as I slaughter you, because I am truly made of awesome.

Hermione: That's totally barbaric!

Ron: That's a perfect metaphor for Wizarding Society for you.

Hermione: So what, you have to buy a new set every time the old one breaks or something?

Ron: ...I always assumed that the film's version of chess pieces repaired themselves. There's this thing called magic—

Hermione: All right, all right, I got it.

Ron: Allow me to be observant for once by noticing that you've packed.

Hermione: I'm gaining my observant-ness back by seeing that you haven't.

Ron: Change of plans. My parents decided to go to Romania, presumably taking Ginny with them, to visit my brother Charlie. He's studying penguins there.

Hermione: …Are we really still doing this?

Ron: Don't worry, iheart'll completely forget about it by the parody of Film Four.

Hermione: Oh, in that case you should help Harry look for more pointless information about the titular MacGuffin.

Ron: We've looked a hundred times offscreen!

Hermione: Yes, but so far we've been rewarded for breaking the rules, why would the teachers start punishing us now? I say you go check out the Restricted Section. On that ominous note, Happy Christmas! No, we don't care about being politically correct, though it is odd that witches and wizards would celebrate a Christian holiday...The hell would Jewish Hogwarts students do around now, or anyone else who celebrates something else around this time…Meh, we're probably just in it for the commercialism like a good chunk of the rest of the planet. *leaves*

Ron: Hey, Harry, I just noticed you didn't have one line in this scene unless you count nodding once.

Harry: It's only our first year and already I know better than to interrupt you two.

Ron: Yeah, we're not very subtle, are we?

~I should've timed this better so this chapter came out around Christmas or at least when it started snowing where I live the first time I did this…As it is, this time around, HAPPY HALLOWEEN-ISH-NOT-YET!~

Hedwig: Hey, I'm still here! I love being remembered occasionally in the films!

Ron: Harry, honestly, how did your relatives raise you? How could you sleep in on Christmas Day? Though you think I would've been considerate enough to wake you when I went down for presents, but whatever.

Harry: This had better be good, I was dreaming of a version of Film Six that wasn't mostly a romantic comedy, it was so awesome…

Ron: To reinforce that we're British, Happy Christmas, Harry!

Harry: Happy Christmas, Ron. What are you wearing?

Ron: *is wearing a sparkly pink tutu* Oh, Mum made it. Looks like you've got one too!

Harry: Wow, I should probably be a bit more emotional since this is probably the first time I ever got a Christmas present considering my abusive family, but who cares? PRESENTS! WHEEEEE!

Ron: There they are! *points under tree*

Harry: Yeah, I noticed that, thanks. Quite frankly, it seems like I only got the one present that I'm unwrapping now. Hey, where is everyone else, anyway?

Ron: Who cares? PRESENTS!

Harry: Touché. *opens letter* "Your father left this in my possession before he died, and by left it in my possession I mean I pretty much demanded he hand it over so I could find out if my suspicions were true. They were, but I never gave it back because I'm an asshole, even though it might have actually aided at least you and Lily in escaping from Voldemort. Oops. Ah well, you can have it back now, and don't say I never did anything for you!"

Ron: …All righty then.

Harry: *opens package to reveal something not at all silvery. In fact, it looks a lot like an old blanket thing I used to have*

Ron: …The hell is that thing?

Harry: Iunno.

Ron: Well, let's see it then, put it on!

Harry: But it's ugly as hell!

Ron: Exactly, I want some blackmail material on you!

Harry: Why do I indulge you. *puts on weird-ass hippy robe thing*

Ron: ...It's incredibly lucky no one else is about to come in right about now.

Harry: Whut you talkin' 'bout, Weasley?

Ron: It's an Invisibility Cloak, I can't see anything except your hideous face now!

Harry: Oh. I'm invisible. Cool beans.

Ron: They're really rare! That particular one may well be one of a kind! Wonder who gave it to you?

Harry: There was no name — wait a minute, are you telling me that people who only watch the films will never know who it came from?

Ron: YYYEP!

Harry: Oh joy.

~All of the books I'm about to mention have been banned in the US at one point. I also had to read most of them for various English classes.~

Floating hand holding lantern: *is really obvious and out in the open, I get that the camera kind of needs something to follow in this kind of situation, but anyone would be able to notice it easily*

Restricted Section: *at least needs a lock that can be opened with Alohamora or something, even if a first year could still get around it it's still better than just opening a freaking gate thing. And they wonder how it's so easy to break into the castle with security like this. Hell, in the books Harry just had to duck under a rope! What the hell, people?!*

Harry: Wow, a lot of books are restricted! Let's see, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Catcher in the Rye, Lord of the Flies, The Chocolate War, The Handmaid's Tail, James and the Giant Peach —wait, what?

Concerned parents: It says the A word!

Harry: Oh come on, no one really considers that a swear anymore unless you attach "hole" to it! Pansies. Hey, why is The Diary of Anne Frank here? Oh, the mild sexual content, right?

Alabama State Textbook Committee: It was a real downer.

Harry: …You've got to be fucking kidding me. Hey, the Twilight series is here for sexual content! Personally, I think it should also be on here because of the way the series portrays Bella being completely dependent on the men in her life and how, quite frankly, she's in an unhealthy relationship with both Edward and Jacob, but both of these are written as if they're positive which sends the wrong messages to young girls and even older girls. I mean, Edward watching Bella while she sleeps? Trashing her car so she can't visit any of her friends because he wants to "protect" her? No, that doesn't sound like a creepy stalker or the basis of an abusive relationship at all. And Jacob saying things like "You love me, you just don't know it yet"? Yeeeaaah no, if iheart ever encountered a guy like this, she would, first, state that she's not interested, then if he persisted tell every authority figure she knew that this guy made her uncomfortable and he wasn't taking no for an answer and she was concerned for her own safety. Bella's dad's a freaking cop, this should be no issue! And don't even get me started on Edward's...anything he fucking does in Breaking Dawn, not to mention the newborn porn that is Jacob/Nessie! Sigh...not that the books should be banned in the first place, I'm just saying that I wish die-hard Twilight fans would acknowledge this if nothing else.

Bella from that part one in New Moon: *is screaming in her sleep when Edward leaves her and it's rather annoying and she should stop now*

Harry: See? If this happened in real life your parents would've taken you to a therapist a long time ago! WTF, Charlie, don't let her get away with this shit!

Filch: Meow?

Harry: Oh son of a fuck nut, why did I put my lantern on top of my cloak, that was stupid.

Flilch: Meow, meow. Prrrrrrr, mrrrow.

Harry: Shit, shit, crap, shit. *flees* Okay, good, I can't possibly run into anyone else now. Hi, Mrs. Norris!

KITTY!: Hey, isn't the snow just beautiful this time of year?

Harry: It sure is—Crap, more teachers, this just isn't my day.

Snape: You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell.

Rifftrax: Now shut up and kiss me.

Quirrell: You wouldn't be nearly this mean to me if you knew what was on the back of my head, bitchface!

Snape: Well I don't, so here we are.

Harry: Wow, I had no idea that being invisible meant you could still be heard!

Snape: Say wha? *reaches for Harry and misses, I bet there were a lot of outtakes when he actually pulled the sheet off the camera…The camera is level with Snape and Quirrell, Harry is not that tall*

Harry: Oh, what now?

Snape: Where was I? Oh right, threatening! Though really, I'm actually not supposed to know about the Dark Lord actually being alive at this point, so I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Ah, well, I'll say it as if I did believe it. Ahem. We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had time to decide if your loyalties actually lie with the Dark Lord or not, since if they did, that would suck.

Quirrell: A bit late for that, I've already bound him to my soul, turning myself into a temporary Horcrux. ‘Tis fun times.

Filch: Meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow, meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow, meow meow, meow, mrrrow, meow meow meow meow meow. Prrrrrrrrrr.

Snape: …What?

KITTY!: Sigh, fine, I'll translate. Ahem. "Seeing as I overheard part of that and saw Snape moving away from you rather hurriedly, you'd think I'd be questioning if something is going on between the two of you. Instead, I'll show off this lantern. Seriously, who uses lanterns besides me and Hagrid, we have the excuse that we can't use magic or aren't allowed to, everyone else would use Lumos or something. Maybe it's an ignorant first-year, but at any rate, there's a student out of bed!"

Snape: Oh noes! That's way more important than Quirrell trying to steal the Stone for whatever nefarious purpose he's thinking of!

Quirrell: And it's more important than my master's wishes, despite the fact that he can probably cause me unbearable agony with a thought! *runs off with the other two*

Harry: It's really lucky they all left so they don't see this door opening and closing for no discernable reason. *takes off cloak* WOW it's cold, I should've brought a thicker cloak or something—oooh, shiny! Aaaand I can't read backwards so I'll just look into this mirror now. Hey, this music's really pretty, a pity it didn't make it onto the soundtrack.

James and Lily: *are there, looking at least twenty years older than they should be. Though it could be rationalized that, since Harry's most desperate desire is for them to still be alive and with him, they would be in their early thirties, so Lily could probably pass, but James…looks like he's in his mid forties*

Harry: *singing softly* I know you…I've seen you in a dream/An old familiar scene from somewhere…/And you know me…There's a glowing in your eyes/I know and recognize from somewhere/Those voices, singing out, la la la la la…

James and Lily: *don't actually sing back, seeing as it's a mirror*

Harry: Oh, you suck and I'm leaving.

~I would probably still tear up at that song...if "Everything Ends" didn't exist, cuz that just blows that shit outta the water.~

Harry: Ron, wake up, you've got to check this out…who actually sleeps flat on their back like that aside from coma patients? And can it be anymore obvious that some kind of machine was used to pull the blanket back?

Ron: I slept through that complaint, what?

Harry: Never mind, just check out this one magical artifact that'll never be seen or used again after this book!

Ron: That's nice, so can we get moving or can I go back to sleep?

~These two are so unrealistically adorable in this movie, I just wanna take them home with me!~

Harry and Ron: WE'RE RUNNING!

Harry: See, here's a giant-ass mirror thing in the middle of an otherwise deserted room that is in no way suspicious-looking!

Ron: I only see us, which should probably add fuel to the slash fans except it oddly doesn't.

Harry: …Right, well try this angle then.

Ron: OMGWTFBBQAOL.

Harry: I know, I don't know why my dad looks that old either—

Ron: I see me! I'm Head Boy and I'm Quidditch Captain and I'm holding the Quidditch Cup and I'm a sexy motherfucker and I'm married to Hermione and we have two kids and neither of them is named Hugo and no one in my family dies in the upcoming war!

Harry: Considering it's a magic mirror, I guess I should've expected something like this to happen, but come on, the entire concept of magic is still really new to me, cut me some slack.

Ron: Harry, do you think this mirror foreshadows anything?

Harry: Only slightly in your case, you were responsible for that one awesome Quidditch victory in Book Five and you do grow up to be quite the looker in iheart's opinion. Plus Hermione, obviously. But in my case? Are you kidding me? Next you'll be saying the Snitch I just caught in the last chapter will be involved somehow in making that happen!

~And now for my favorite deleted scene EVAR, why oh why did they cut this, Ron's so freaking cute and it shows us that he really does care for Harry as a friend!~

All of the Weasleys currently attending Hogwarts: *are huddled together near the end of the Gryffindor table, it's so cute!*

George: Stupid question since Ron will love every piece of food that gets put in front of him apart from that one French dish in Book Four and the mushrooms they had to live off of in Book Seven, but hey, is your meal any good?

Ron: Yeah, but…

George: Then again, I could be asking because, in a strange twist of fate, you're not eating that much.

Ron: Hang on, I have to go be a sensitive best friend, making this scene ridiculously hard to make fun of.

Fred: Oh my God, he's walking away from food! THE WORLD IS ENDING!

Percy: Yeah right.

Fred: No, it really is! Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

Percy: …You scare me sometimes.

Ron: Hey, wow, you did get a sweater from Mum, that's awesome! Anyway, wanna play chess for the second to last time in the film franchise unless they decide to stick a random game into either of the final two films which I doubt?

Harry: I'm good, we can just have the big one be the last one, it's cool.

Ron: Or we could go and visit Hagrid for a reason that doesn't serve to further the plot! He is our friendly-friend, after all, we should really consider visiting him for the sake of visiting him more often.

Harry: Dude, you know when I angst I don't want to talk to anyone!

Ron: Harry, I'm really trying to be helpful and sensitive here, and I really think you should leave it alone. If I can tell something's messed up, then it's messed up.

Harry: Yeah I'll just nod and go anyway. Breaking promises between friends is fun!

Peter: I know, right?

Harry: …

~It is so damn hard to make fun of the Mirror of Erised scenes. *sniff*~

Dumbledore: Back again, Harry?

Harry: …How did you know I'd been here before?

Dumbledore: I've been stalking you, my boy!

Harry: ...Okay, that's more than a little creepy.

Dumbledore: So yeah, the Mirror of Erised's awesome except for the fact that it sucks. You know why, right?

Harry: It kinda sorta not really foreshadows stuff?

Dumbledore: Yes and no. It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest and most desperate desires of our hearts. Now you, Harry, who have never known your family, you see them standing beside you. And I'm going to ignore Ron's existence because he's just going to be the comic relief a few films from now anyway. Though you should know, men have wasted away in front of it. Hint, hint. And because I don't completely trust you, I'm moving it so you won't be tempted anymore. Which might very well mean that the Stone's been hidden within it this whole time and I just didn't bother putting everything else in front of it first, or the Stone's under its usual guard and I didn't set up my bit yet. Or you were right in your theory at the end of the book and I actually put it out so you would have something to check out while you ran around in the Cloak I gave you so that you could figure everything out for yourself and actually want to try and go for the Stone even though you really didn't need to, which ends up as training you for the trials you must eventually face. Which makes me continue to be the manipulative Evil!Dumbledore that fanfiction loves so much. Damn it, why is there so much evidence supporting that, even if I have no idea which of the theories I just presented is right?

Harry: Hey, this is the part of the book where I ask you what you see in the Mirror, isn't it?

Dumbledore: Indeed it is, my boy. And, instead of telling you the truth and have yet another excuse to show you blatant favoritism and maybe have a little student-teacher bonding so you won't be horribly betrayed by my actions in Book Seven, I lie and say socks.

Harry: Wow, you suck.

~Oh, Dumble-Dear!~

Scene with Hedwig flying and changing seasons: *is seriously my favorite scene in the entire film series thus far.*

~So I'm not gonna make fun of it. Deal with it.~

Review or you won't get anymore RED VINES!


	8. Teh IS IT THE DARK FOREST OR THE FORBIDDEN FOREST?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, Fullmetal Alchemist, Dragonball Z Abridged, The Simpsons: Hit and Run, Young Frankenstein, Twilight, or Rifftrax.

~OMFG, I actually opened the book to look up Hermione's question thing! NO WAI!~

Harry: Hey, Hedwig! Nice transition you did there, it really showed the passing of time!

Hedwig: Thanks, it really is the only transition in this film, isn't it? Ah well, at least the entire film isn't about transitions!

Harry: Yeah, that'd be completely stupid, who'd watch that?

Hermione: *looks up at Ron* Look at you, playing with your cards. Pathetic! We've got final exams coming up soon!

Ron: *sighs heavily* You know, not everyone works like you. Some people work better under pressure, like waiting until the night before something's due or to study for a test. I know it's probably better to start studying at least a week in advance to remember pertinent information, but cramming usually insures that one will at the very least pass the test, which is really all I'm aiming for, so no worries.

Hermione: I think I'll spontaneously quiz you for no reason anyway. What was the 1637 Werewolf Code of Conduct?

Ron: Do we have our History of Magic final anytime soon?

Hermione: No, but—

Ron: Then why should I care until a couple of days beforehand? Besides, it won't be on the exam anyway so who even cares. Here, Harry, have a plot point.

Harry: Cheers. Wait, we actually have History of Magic?

Neville: *boing, boing, boing, boing*

Students: *erupt into laughter like the assholes they are, I hate kids*

Ron: Legs Turn Into A Giant Spring Curse?

Harry: Where did Malfoy learn such advanced Transfiguration?

Ron: Come on, Neville, if you keep this up you'll never become the badass motherfucker you are in the last book!

Neville: Hey, this is only the first book/film and I grew up with a grandmother who had ridiculously high expectations for me that I couldn't possibly live up to so she's convinced me I'm nothing but a disappointment. Give me some time to develop my character!

Harry: Wouldn't it be awesome if I took a page out of Remus's book before ever meeting him and offered Neville some chocolate to make him feel better which'll also eventually help further the plot?

Ron: Dude, I just handed you the plot point, you don't actually have to be concerned about Neville as if he was a friend, why would you ever do something like that? Besides, if the vast majority of fanficiton's to be believed, since Lupin was such great friends with your dad he reportedly knew you when you were a baby.

Harry: Yes, because I'd remember something like that. Dumbass.

Dean: I love how Pottermore totally confirmed it—Oh wait.

Seamus: *stands up and pulls out wand* Don't worry 'bout it, guys, I got this.

Neville: Yeah how 'bout no. The rest of us know that your only purpose in the films is to explode things as a running gag, so I think I'll just stay cursed, thanks.

Seamus: No, it's not true! My character has a much higher purpose than that!

Everyone else: Denial.

Seamus: Okay, that's it! *explodes again*

Percy: Considering I'm a prefect whose job it is to help younger students, you'd think I would've performed the counter curse myself or at least sent for Madam Pomfrey to take care of the guy who just exploded again. Instead, I think I'll further prove that I'm an asshole by not doing anything.

Harry: Hey Ron, prove to Hermione that you, in fact, know how to read while also furthering the plot.

Ron: Fine. "Dumbledore is particularly famous for the defeat of his gay lover Grindlewald the same year WWII ended, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood which we'll never find out about, and for his work on alchemy with his partners Alphonse Elric and Nicolas Flamel! Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music, tenpin bowling, and sherbert lemons."

Harry: Apparently I actually read the back of the Dumbledore card on the train, not that we'd show that in the film, that would be stupid.

Hermione: *packs her crap* Follow me!

Harry and Ron: Um…why?

Hermione: No time to explain, just come on!

Harry and Ron: Surely it couldn't take that long to just quickly—

Hermione: No, no there isn't. And yes, this'll become a regular occurrence.

Harry and Ron: Sigh.

Hermione: And don't call me Shirley! *leaves with Harry and Ron hot on her heels*

Neville: I can't believe you people are supposed to be the heroes, you're just going to leave the usual victim of bullying to even more bullying?! You guys are horrible, what happened to the helpful guys from the books?! *falls over*

Students: *erupt into laughter again, which does wonders for a child's self-esteem, let me tell you*

~This scene and the trio leaving without doing anything makes me wonder who finally did lift the curse in the end. It would be horrible if he had to go to a professor.~

Hermione: Huh, The MacGuffins of the Potter Series wasn't in the Restricted Section at all, it was actually in the highly convenient Spoiler Section, in between What To Do If You're The Fourth Champion In The Triwizard Tournament and Werewolves Can TOO Have Kids!

Book: *slams onto the table, splitting it in two and landing in a crater in the floor*

Hermione: I checked this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading, they should make our courses more challenging or have an honors program of some sort.

Ron: That's light?!

Hermione: Well, the Harry Potter books are considered light reading despite the last four being well over 600 pages, which is actually about three times longer than most of the books iheart has to read this year.

Ron: Good point.

Hermione: Let's see, Remembralls, the Goblet of Fire…Ah, here we go. "Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone!"

Ron: Wait a minute, iheart's American and grew up with The Sorcerer's Stone as the title for the past eleven years, is she trying to be cooler by pretending to be British?

iheartmwpp: Actually, it's because Fullmetal Alchemist is friggin' amazing.

Ron: Ah. True dat, yo.

Hermione: ANYWAY! "The Philosopher's Stone is a legendary alchemical amplifier that makes the process of Equivalent Exchange irrelevant. It is made from the energy source of countless human souls—" Oh my God, what kind of monster is Dumbledore? My faith in him has been completely shattered!

Ron: Okay, the one in this 'verse probably wasn't made from human souls, it's probably just iheart inserting more FMA references—

Harry: Jesus Christ, will you two stop arguing for five seconds, we aren't even in our third year yet! Just get to the part where it turns metal into gold and makes people immortal already.

Hermione: Fine. "At the time this book was written, Flamel had turned 665 the previous year, which really makes him 666 but obviously we can't print that or even more hard-core Christians would be after JKR's blood." So yeah, this probably has something to do with the title of the movie. And stuff.

~I get that the title was changed to make the book more appealing to children in the US, but I judged the book by its cover when I first saw it. Am I the only one who had a problem with the US cover art of the first few books?~

Almighty Trio of Friendship: Hey, maybe we should've brought the Invisibility Cloak…Naaah, it's not like we have someone with an actual brain cell in this group or anything.

Hagrid: *really does have some awesome lines*

Almighty Trio of Friendship: We've figured out the plot of this particular installment!

Hagrid: Oh...well shit…

Harry: These robes are basically just jackets, really, we can wear whatever Muggle clothes we want under it! Wait, why does Ron even have Muggle clothes…? Oh, and we're blaming Snape because he fulfills every Evil Guy cliché ever. Which would probably seem too obvious, but we're two twelve-year-olds and an eleven-year-old, leave us alone.

Hagrid: Snape's one o' the teachers protectin' the Stone! He's not about ter steal it!

Hermione: Actually, his enchantment-thingy got cut for time.

Hagrid: Oh. Well, I got nothin'.

Fang: I want your babies.

Ron: Oh come on! *scrambles away*

Fang: WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME.

Hagrid: Anyway, not a soul knows how ter get pas' Fluffy 'cept fer me an' Dumbledore…I shouldn' a told yeh that, I should not 'ave told yeh tha'…

Harry: …Why not? Of course you'd know how to get past him, he's your pet! And at this point in the series, aside from the whole "leave a defenseless baby on a doorstep in the middle of November without anyone watching it" bit, Dumbledore equals God in that he can do no wrong and knows everything, so it stands to reason he'd know how to tame Fluffy as well!

Coffee pot that's in the fire place: *rattles…OMINOUSLY*

Hagrid: An' now my hands're on fire.

iheartmwpp: *shudders*

Harry: …Hagrid, WTF is that?

Hagrid: It's an egg, buttface.

Harry: I got that, I meant more specifically.

Ron: I know what that is! But Hagrid, this is so freaking illegal, how the bloody hell'dja get one?

Hagrid: Fer some strange, completely unfathomable reason, the really suspicious-lookin' hooded bloke I won it from was happy ter get rid of an immensely illegal object. Imagine tha'!

Ron: Yeah, and where did he get it from and how did he just happen to find you and know of your love for bizzaro creatures like this?

Egg: Allow me to delay his answering of that question by choosing to hatch now.

Audience: Awwwww, ish a baby!

Hermione: I'm probably so intelligent that I know full well what this is without asking, but I'm in such disbelief at the moment that I really do have to ask if that's really a penguin. And I must say that I'm quite disgusted we're still going with this terrible joke.

Ron: Yep, it's, and it's a Norwegian Ridgeback, specifically. My brother Charlie works with these in Romania, which in the book was kind of a plot point so we could get rid of Norbert but now only explains why I know something and Hermione doesn't. Though to be fair, she always clarifies that she's read it somewhere, so it works both ways, I guess.

Hagrid: Isn' he beau'iful?

Ron: Um, Hagrid—

Hagrid: Oh bless him, look, he knows his mummy!

Ron: Hagrid, it's actually—

Hagrid: Hullo, Norbert!

Harry: Pfffft! Norbert?!

Hagrid: Yeah well, he's gotta have a name, doesn' he?

Ron: That's just it, Norbert's a—

Norbert: *burns half the grounds down*

Hagrid: *cheerfully* He'll have to be trained up a bit, o' course!

Ron: …a girl.

Malfoy: You should really be wondering why I'm stalking you like this, I don't really have an established reason to, unlike the book when I overhear a conversation and decide to investigate. That bit was conveniently cut so my current actions don't make any sense. *flees*

Harry: I'm with him, actually, he's behaving rather creepily.

Hagrid: Oh son of a fuck nut.

~Iunno how that expression came about either, and yet I've been saying it for years.~

Harry: Hagrid's always wanted a penguin, he started that lame pun the first time I ever met him, which really would have confused people watching the film since that scene was deleted and only showed up on the DVD if you played a long-ass trivia game thing that was really annoying if all you wanted to do was watch the scenes.

Ron: And worse, Malfoy knows about it, creepy stalker.

Harry: I don't get it, is that bad?

Hermione: And why am I also staring at you as if I were confused, you'd think I'd have conveniently read about it or something.

Ron: Actually, I give the speech on illegal stuff in the book, too, complete with random dates. I really must have been paying attention when Charlie was going on about his passion. What an adorable little brother I am—Crap.

McGonagall: Haaaaaaai.

Malfoy: O…kay, that was absurdly terrifying.

~I think McGonagall overreacted when I first read this, and my views still haven't changed.~

McGonagall: Nothing, I repeat, nothing gives a student the right to walk about the school at night. Unless of course they're prefects, or have a professor escorting them, or if they're heading down to see Dumbledore, or one of their friends is in grave danger, or if they're saving the world/country from death and destruction…and various other reasons. Seriously, you have a freaking Invisibility Cloak! USE IT! For your idiocy…and, you know, for the whole being out of bed thing, fifty points will be taken.

Harry: Say WHA?

McGonagall: Each, bitch.

Harry: So…that's all of us then? Malfoy included since he was out of bed as well?

McGonagall: No, he gets rewarded for being a little tattletale by not getting points off.

Harry: Wait, wait, wait, we get points off but Malfoy doesn't? How does that make any sense?! We were all breaking the same rule, so we should all be equally punished for it!

McGonagall: Now, see here, Mr. Potter—

Harry: And what about the book?! Malfoy only got twenty off, and while I get that you thought me and Hermione were up to no good, Neville wasn't doing anything wrong! He only should've gotten twenty off as well!

McGonagall: Well, I—

Harry: Furthermore, why did you immediately jump to that conclusion, anyway? Granted, it's better than finding out what really happened, but you knew Hermione was a better person that that!

McGonagall: That is—

Harry: And what about me? Did you just instantly think that I'd be like my father or something, trying to prank someone? Dammit, will I ever meet a teacher that doesn't immediately judge me based on who my father was?!

McGonagall: …

Snape: …

Lupin: …

McGonagall: *recovering* You know what? Just because you made that completely baseless accusation—

Harry: Coughbullshitcough.

McGonagall: —I'm going to chuck all of you into the DarkForest, so there!

Hermione: I still don't get the name change.

Ron: Probably because we can go gallivanting through it whenever we want starting in the third film.

Hermione: ….You know what gallivanting means?

Ron: *sigh* Always the tone of surprise.

Malfoy: What does it mean?

Classic Trio of Almighty Coolness: *slaps themselves*

~God, this place has gone to the dogs. But luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!~

Filch: Meow meow, meow meow meow, meooow.

Harry: Oh God, there are so many things wrong with what you just said.

Ron: We need that organ to live!

Filch: *purrs in satisfaction*

Hagrid: WAAAAAH!

Filch: Meow? Meow meow.

Hermione: Wait, does everyone know about Norbert now? When the crap did that happen?

Hagrid: An' we shipped 'im off ter Charlie off-camera too.

Ron: Uncool!

Filch: Meow meow meow meow, meow.

Malfoy: What? But I thought it was forbidden!

Ron: Hence the name change, were you not listening to the last scene?

Malfoy: But there are werewolves and stuff!

Wolf howl: *is conveniently heard right as he says that*

Ron: There. *points*

Malfoy: …What?

Ron: There wolf. There Hagrid.

Malfoy: Why are you talking like that?

Ron: I thought you wanted to.

Malfoy: No, I don't want to!

Ron: Suit yourself, I'm easy.

Harry: Actually, since we did hear something akin to a wolf's howl just now, I have to ask, is it the full moon tonight? Because that would kind of suck.

Filch: Meow, mrrow, prrrr, meow.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy: …I do believe that I have just soiled myself.

Filch: Meow! *leaves*

Hagrid: Right, let's get a move on! I love how we're bein' completely hypocritical in tha' we insist tha' kids stay away from the forest, an' then we chuck 'em in fer this one punishment, when usually they'd just be forced ter write lines or clean stuff up. Not ter mention tha' we're goin' after somethin' tha' can hurt a unicorn, which are supposed ter be pretty fast creatures. But I'm sure tha' you tiny little first years can handle somethin' like tha' no problem, right?

Said tiny little first years: Mummy.

Hagrid: In fact, my confidence in yer abilities is so strong tha' Imma split you up. The supposedly weaker ones with me, while the main character an' his arch rival will be together. Alone. I'm sure tha' won' encourage any slash fics at all.

Malfoy: It's cool, as long as Fang can come with us.

Fang: Aww, he thinks I'll be useful, how sweet!

~I greatly enjoyed playing Fang in the first Lego game. Right up until I unlocked Sirius and played as Padfoot for like the rest of the game. I LOVE THOSE GAMES.~

Malfoy: Wait till my father hears about this. And the depressing thing is that I'm still saying this when I'm fifteen, I sound like someone who can't possibly survive without his parents and I always go to them over the smallest concern. I'm gonna be completely dependent on them for the rest of my life, aren't I. Wow this music is creepy.

Harry: If I didn't know better, Draco, I'd say you were scared.

Malfoy: …Since when did you call me by my first name?

Random noise: *is random*

Malfoy: OMFG did you hear that? *whimper*

Harry: Yeah, it sounded like an owl. You know, like the ones that're all over Hogwarts even in the daytime. Idiot.

Malfoy: …Still doesn't prove I'm scared!

Fang: Pussy.

Malfoy: Quiet, you.

~SOME TIME LATER.~

Harry: Okay, this is getting outright boring now, I really hope something interesting happens soon—

Malfoy and Fang: HOLY SHIT.

Harry: Huh wha?

Unicorn: HEY I'm dead.

VoldeQuirrell: OM NOM NOM.

Harry: Oh, the pain.

Malfoy: AAAAAAAAAAHH NOES WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE AAAAAAAAARRRGGH FLABBLE BLAAAAAAAHHHH!

Rifftrax: He just remembered that he completely forgot to send a Mother's Day card.

Malfoy: Yeah, I'm gonna run away now. Bye! Don't get killed by the horrible creature thing we just ran into…or do, what do I care?

Fang: I'll get Hagrid for you, mate, just hang on!

Voldemort: Okay, am I actually on my own now or did Quirrell just slither around like a complete idiot?

Harry: Huh, maybe I should run away in a panic as well. Instead, I'll unconvincingly fall over and not really try to get away or look scared. I AM SUCH A BRILLIANT ACTOR!

Voldemort: Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrel! I can taste it! It tastes like…cool mint.

Quirrell: That's our Listerine, Voldemort.

Voldemort: Yes…excellent.

Firenze: Hello, I'm probably never gonna appear in the films again after this scene, how much does that suck? You should really GTFO, no one wants you here.

VoldeQuirrell: Oh no, something we couldn't possibly kill with magic, that wouldn't be easy with a simple Avada Kedavra at all. *flees, looking kinda silly for being freaking Voldemort*

Firenze: 'Sup, HP? You should probably get out of here, too, there are freakish monsters all over the forest that want to tear you to shreds. The professors this year sure are dumb.

Harry: I get that, but what the hell was that thing, dementors aren't scheduled to show up till Film Three.

Firenze: Funny story, it actually isn't nearly as bad as dementors, even if it did just kill a unicorn, which sucks, they're so pretty. See, look at them, look at the pretty. Anyway, drinking the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive for some reason, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You will be forced to listen to nothing but the Jonas brothers for all of eternity.

iheartmwpp: Nothing to do with this, really, but a friend of a friend had a dream where the Jonas brothers were all Animagi, and they were fluffy bunny rabbits.

Harry: *appalled beyond all belief* But who would choose such a life?

Firenze: Can you think of no one?

Harry: Admittedly, half the people I meet in the second half of the series would most definitely qualify.

Firenze: Oh, well in that case, I'll just tell you it was Voldemort. Also, for some reason, I know the Stone's at Hogwarts.

Harry: What, is that written in the stars or something? That's so stupid.

Hagrid, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and Fang: Aaaaand we're back and stuff.

Hagrid: What up, mah brotha?

Firenze: Meh, just hanging out and lamenting that I won't be in Film Five, plus hoping desperately I'll be in Film Eight. Ah, well, I go now.

Harry: See ya.

Hagrid: An' here I look over at the unicorn, an' iheart still can' help but feel tha' I'm gonna blame Harry fer it at any moment.

~You know, we never see any female centaurs. Is it because they're repressed in their society or because this is still technically a children's series and JKR didn't want to describe boobs?~

Hermione: For some reason, the thought of He-Who-Is-Currently-A-Mass-Of-Vapor-That-Has-To-Leech-Off-Someone-Else's-Brains-To-Survive is incredibly terrifying despite the fact that he's here in, like, half the series.

Harry: Yeah, but all he has to live on now are bugs, mushrooms, and unicorn blood, so at least he'll be suffering a little bit more than usual for another three years or so. And since we still blame Snape, we're gonna suspect that he's a Death Eater three books before it's confirmed that he used to be. With the MacGuffin, Voldemort'll be strong again. He'll be able to get a new makeover. And, you know, kill people, torture the innocent, destroy millions of lives, all that good stuff.

Ron: But, if he comes back, you don't think he's gonna try to…*gulp*…swear revenge on you for destroying his body and making him live in unimaginable agony for the past ten years, wanting to kill you himself no matter what the cost, even if his Death Eaters could've done a much better job of it, do you?

Harry: Probably.

Ron: …Well fuck.

Hermione: Hang on a minute, we're forgetting one thing. Who's the one wizard Voldemort always feared?

Ron: My mum?

Harry: And since when the hell did you actually say Voldemort's name, wasn't that supposed to be an awesome piece of character development in Book Five? Hell, in that film Emma Watson makes it look like she's saying it for the first time and is intensely uncomfortable with it, but that makes no sense in the context of the films since you said it here and steal Dumbledore's line about fearing names from the first book in Film Two. Filmmakers need to realize that consistency is good.

Hermione: …Yeah, anyway, while Molly Weasley is terrifying and no sane person would ever underestimate her fearsome power, I was totally just gonna say Dumbledore like every other sheep in the Wizarding World at the moment. As long as Dumbledore's around, Harry, you're safe.

Harry: Wow, it would really suck if he ended up not being here when we needed him most, then, wouldn't it?

~Seriously, Hermione just basically used the Wizarding World equivalent of "What's the worst that could happen?"~

Review or Voldemort will go from being a unicorn vampire to a normal vampire and drink your blood and SPARKLE!


	9. Teh CHESS GAME OF DOOOOOOOOOM!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie or book in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Howard the Duck, 300, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Anchorman, or Rifftrax.

~Moving on, after all, final exams are far more frightening than Voldemort. No, really, I'm not being sarcastic at all, this shit's equally as torturous and deadly.~

Hermione: You know, final exams really aren't that bad, especially since you never have to worry about the class ever again, and can just let the knowledge seep out of your head.

Ron: Speak for yourself, why couldn't we just do papers instead of memorizing stuff, it's easier in my opinion.

Harry: OH DEAR GOD WHY.

Ron: All right there, Harry?

Harry: The portion of Voldemort's soul that has attached itself to my own is causing the entry wound to throb in pain as the soul fragment voices its desire to become reunited with the original due to proximity and Voldemort's eagerness to regain a body.

Hermione: You don't say.

Hagrid: How epic is this?! I'm actually playin' Hedwig's Theme in the movie! Who knew I could do somethin' like tha'?! Also, this is probably the flute…clarinet…thing I was supposed ter give Harry in the book. Which, lookin' back, was a bit of an odd choice of present, it was like I was encouragin' yeh ter get past Fluffy. Why the hell would I do tha'? Also, it was never used or seen again, like half the crap in this film.

Harry: SUDDEN BRAINWAVE OF HERMIONE-LIKE PROPORTIONS!

Hermione: Actually, yeah, why didn't I figure this out?

Ron: We have to prove we have brains on occasion, or it'll look like you're the only one with any kind of brains at all, which kind of sends a bad message to the young boys reading this series.

Harry: Don't you think it's a bit odd that what Hagrid wants more than anything is a penguin—

Ron and Hermione: Yep, that's really weird all right.

Harry: Let me finish, douchebags. And a stranger turns up who just happens to have one? I mean, how many people go wandering around with penguin eggs in their pocket? Not to mention the actual dragon egg in the film was freaking huge. I really shouldn't have said pocket, not even Hagrid's pockets could hold that thing.

Ron and Hermione: BLASPHEMY!

Harry: Hagrid, the guy who gave you the penguin egg, did he by any chance have a hooked nose or greasy hair or greatly resemble Alan Rickman?

Hagrid: Nah, I think he had a turban hidden under his hood, couldn't be sure.

Harry: He didn't get you drunk, did he?

Hagrid: Yeah, a bit, then we got to talkin'. I told him, I said after Fluffy an' Aragog an' God knows what else, a penguin would be no problem.

Ron: Who's Aragog?

Hagrid: Don' worry 'bout it.

Harry: Did he seem interested in Fluffy?

Hagrid: Yeah, apparently even in the context of a magical world where literally anythin' can happen, three-headed dogs are kind of weird. But I told 'im, I said…I said the trick with any beast is ter know how ter calm it. For example, thestrals enjoy raw meat, centaurs love beatin' the shit outta giant toads, werewolves are addicted ter chocolate, Fluffy falls asleep ter music—

Golden Trio of Decency: GASP!

Hagrid: Why do I talk to yeh anymore?

Heroic Trio of Ambitiousness: *runs all the way to McGonagall's office, which is a good long distance away, you'd think they'd be more out of breath. Ah well, at least they don't have to cross a giant bridge or something, that's stupid*

Harry: Hey, can you tell us where the headmaster's office is? Really, you'd think first years would be told this or something, it's the freaking headmaster.

McGonagall: Despite the fact that I've already taken a crapload of points away and given you an unreasonably harsh detention for something that isn't nearly as bad as what you'll get up to during the rest of your Hogwarts career, not to mention what your father and his friends did or what the Weasley twins get up to, I'm apparently still pissed at you. Or I could just be miffed that you want to see the headmaster when I could probably help you out myself, generally Dumbledore doesn't get too involved in student affairs, unless it's really serious or your name starts with "H" and ends with "arry Potter." But I don't know how bad it is, so…Anyway, he's, like, totally not here, he's in London or something.

Harry: …Where the hell are we?

Hermione: Scotland-ish?

Harry: Whatever, this is important! This is about the main plot of this book and how someone's gonna try and steal it and stuff!

McGonagall: Le gasp! How do you know—

Harry: We're the freaking main characters!

McGonagall: I don't know how you three found out about the Stone—

Harry: Yeah you didn't know how we managed to take out that troll, and yet we did that too, didn't we?

McGonagall: …Yeah, well, it's perfectly well protected.

Harry: *shocked* Why aren't you more worried about this? If we, three ignorant first years, could figure something like that out even if we did have Hermione with us, then wouldn't it stand to reason that anyone could know about it? Hell, the whole school could've found out ages ago for all you know!

McGonagall: Please leave quietly.

Harry: WTF? *leaves* We are so freaking screwed it's not even funny. Snape must've given Hagrid the penguin egg, since it ties in so nicely with all our other pieces of evidence and therefore must be completely and utterly wrong. And of course that means he knows how to get past Fluffy.

Hermione: That last sentence must sound so weird taken out of context.

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Hermione: *fails at being smart for once. It's actually quite refreshing*

Snape: I believe those shoes are out of season.

Harry: *glare of DOOM!*

Snape: …*leaves*

iheartmwpp: *jaw drops at implications* …Oh my God…People who've also finished, did you just see that…? I…There is no possible way to make fun of that!

Harry: In that case, let's move on with the plot, shall we?

~James, you are such an asshole! *blushes* That's so charming…~

Epic Trio of Awesomeness: *go down stairs only to see…TREVOR! Oh God anyone but Trevor!*

Ron: Trevor, shh! Go, you shouldn't be here!

Harry: …Um, mate, I know it's a magical world and everything but I'm having trouble believing that a toad can understand human speech.

Hermione: Not to mention that the books say he gets lost all the time, so I don't really think it matters where he is at this point.

Harry: *chuckles* I mean, what's he gonna do? Tell Neville on us?

Trevor: Hey, Nev, wake up, the trio's sneaking out again!

Harry: …Well. Did not see that coming.

Neville: *is wearing some of the most adoragable pajamas I've ever seen* You're sneaking out again, aren't you?

Trevor: I just said that, idiot. Sheesh, and this is the guy who was voted Most Badass in Book Seven?

Harry: Neville, of course we're not sneaking out! We're just…going to…

Hermione: Visit! Ye-Yes, we're going to…to visit…

Ron: The Giant Turquoise Mosquito of Dublith!

Harry and Hermione: …Yeah, what he said!

Neville: For some reason, I don't believe you. None shall pass!

Harry: What?

Neville: NONE SHALL PASS!

Hermione: Look, I'll have your leg!

Neville: Come on, ya pansy!

Hermione: Right! *takes out chainsaw and hacks off one of Neville's legs*

Neville: *screams in agonizing pain and passes out from the extreme blood loss*

Hermione: I'm really, really sorry about that.

Ron: …Please tell me your acting will improve some time during these movies, because that really wasn't convincing at all.

Hermione: I'M INVINCIBLE!

Ron: You're a loony.

~Look, a five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!~

Hermione: Ow, you stood on my foot!

Ron: How the hell is that even possible when you're standing in front of me?

Hermione: Iunno. Alohomora.

Fluffy: Ah-choo!

Harry: Right, let's just leave the Cloak here, I'm sure Fluffy won't damage it or anything…on second thought, we kind of did do that in the book too, so…yeah.

Ron: Dude, it's a freaking Hallow, it probably would've stayed intact anyway.

Harry: Good point. Wait…a harp? Huh, who knew that Quirrell…Snape…Voldemort…whoever was that talented?

Ron: Definitely helps, though, since Hagrid didn't even bother giving you the flute for no other reason than to help with this scene. I mean, what were we gonna do, sing to it?

Hermione: Well, Daniel Radcliffe did sing and dance in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

Harry and Ron: That is still hilarious and completely unforeseen by anyone ever.

Hermione: Yeah. Hey, the harp stopped playing! Snape must have charmed it to stop when the trapdoor opens!

Ron: Nah, it's just because the song ended, listen to the soundtrack. EW YUCK ICKY ICK.

Harry: This does not bode well.

Fluffy: Meow.

Brave Trio of Daringness: *scream like a bunch of pussies and attempt suicide by falling into the giant hole thing screaming "THIS! IS! HOGWARTS!"*

Vast majority of audience: It's too hard to not make inappropriate jokes at this scene. So…let's start, shall we?

Ron: Sweet, we totally just fell onto a giant thing of weed, man!

Harry: Whoa, dude.

Devil's Snare: I now activate Tentacle Rape!

Super Trio of Wonderfulness: Hey, this wasn't in my contract!

Hermione: Guys, stop moving! You have to relax. Otherwise it'll just hurt more.

Ron: Thanks, that's really comforting right there.

Devil's Snare: OM NOM NOM.

Harry and Ron: Oh great.

Hermione: Maybe I should actually tell them that you just fall into a random passageway after falling through the plant…Naaah, I'm sure if I just tell them to trust me it'll be fine, they'll listen to me, surely.

Harry: Actually, the only reason I listened to you was 'cause I saw you through the vines. We both should really be yelling at Ron that we're all right, seeing as he's kind of dying up there, but panicking is just so much more fun!

Ron: AAAAAHH! BAD TOUCH!

Hermione: I remember reading something—

Harry: Now's really not the time!

Ron: THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!

Hermione: Go spell that doesn't really exist! Lumos Solem!

Devil's Snare (and iheartmwpp): AAAAAAAAHHH! THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

Ron: I am now horribly scarred for life.

Harry: That's nice, moving right along—

Hermione: LOUD NOISES!

Harry: …Yep.

Awesome Trio of Amazingfulness: *enters the room Flitwick basically tailor-made for Seekers. Seriously, WTF*

Hermione: Oh my goodness, a type of species of birds I haven't read about! Uselessness…of anything outside bookwork…rising…

Harry: Oh for the love of Merlin's polka-dotted training bra, open your eyes, woman, they're clearly keys with wings!

Ron: Door's locked and Hermione's spell totally fails.

Hermione: Why do I suddenly suck at life? *cries*

Harry: I'm still confused as to why there is a floating broomstick in the center of the room even though the meaning should be ridiculously clear.

Rifftrax: Get on the broom. Fly. Get key.

Hermione: Wait a minute. If they really didn't want the Stone to be taken, why even put in a broom? Just charm the key to not be Summoned, and the most the thief would be able to do is stand around and wait for the right one to fly near them.

Harry: Ya rly, this is just too ridiculously easy.

Ron: And yet the script is making me reassure you of your Quidditch skills for some reason.

Harry: It's the thought that counts, I appreciate it. *gets on broom*

Keys: Hey, guess what? Flitwick charmed us to impale every one of your internal organs! Inn't he cute?

Harry: Perfect, just what I always wanted. More scars all over my face.

Chase scene: *commences*

Audience: *is slightly bored, we know he's gonna get it.*

Harry: Yoink!

Key: Yes, that's generally how a Seeker's supposed to catch the Snitch, glad you actually learned that sometime in these films.

Harry: Hey, Hermione, since you're the least athletic and not even close to the tallest of us, why don't you try grabbing the key?

Hermione: Kayz.

Ron: Wow, this scene is way darker and more violent than it was in the books…awesome!

Door: *finally freaking opens*

Harry: Allow me to take the broom with me, giving us no known excuse for just flying over the giant-ass chess game instead of playing it and possibly getting severely injured.

Hermione: Well, McGonagall might've hexed it so that wouldn't work.

Harry: True.

Keys: Ow in the head.

Good Trio of Stupendousness: *enters for what will be the final chess game of the film franchise*

Hermione: I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I mean, not only does the eventual father of my children get seriously injured, but I also don't do shit in this scene, it sucks.

Harry: Why are there three convenient spaces where the three pieces we eventually play are? That seems a little too convenient.

Ron: Allow me to suddenly transform into a badass motherfucker.

Fires: *suddenly burst into life upon hearing Ron's epicness*

Harry: Ron, I know you want to have your moment, but the door's right over there, we could totally just walk over to it.

White pawns: Yeah no.

Harry: …Forget I said anything.

Hermione: Now what do we do?

Ron: It's obvious, isn't it? *smiles brightly* Hang on, let me just bask in the glow of me saying that to Hermione Granger.

Hermione: GET ON WITH IT!

Ron: …Yeah, anyway, we have to come up with some kind of excuse for a good deal of our readership, including iheart, to learn how to play chess. All right, Harry, you take the kind of generic bishop square. Hermione, you be the castle, one of the more powerful pieces and therefore the player usually goes out of their way to protect it more.

R/Hr shippers: D'aaaaaw.

Ron: And I can be your knight in shining armor!

Hermione: That's sweet, but what position are you going to play?

Ron: …A knight?

Hermione: Oh…right, I knew that.

Harry: ...If you really wanted to protect us, shouldn't I be the king and possibly Hermione the queen or something?

Ron: Who's the Chessmaster again?

Harry: Dumbledore.

Ron: Actually, I've read a couple fics where I could take him.

Harry: Whoa, nice. Okay then, let's all take our places offscreen!

Ron and Hermione: YAYZ!

HORSIE!: *is there*

Hermione: Ron, you don't think this is going to be totally barbaric, do you?

Ron: I told you, everything in our society is! But I'll humor you. You there, there's a reason that there's a term called "Sacrificial Pawn." Test my theory, will you?

Black pawn: I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?

White pawn: Nope! Slice.

Black pawn: I REGRET EVERYTHING!

Ron: There you go.

Hermione: *dully* Perfect.

Harry: Can we get a move on? Despite the fact that Quirrell and Voldemort would end up staring in vain at the Mirror until Dumbledore showed up if we didn't come down here and basically make their lives easier, I'm convinced the world is at stake here!

Ron: Right-o! *giant-ass chess game commences* I am so freaking awesome, fear my epicness!

Hermione: Wow, these guys are absurdly violent. Hey, do any of us actually take any pieces? You'd think useful pieces like us would be going all over the place taking things, or at least that's how iheart plays, but we have absolutely no weapons, how are we supposed to get rid of the other pieces?

Harry: All this floating dust and bits of marble floating around can't be good for my numerous open wounds. Also, it's ridiculously lucky none of the larger chunks of chess pieces fall on my head, that would suck.

Hermione: Yep. Hey, the opposing queen just stopped moving, we better pay attention now.

Harry: Okay…Oh…Oh no…Suddenly, I regret ever learning how to play chess.

Ron: Can't say I blame you since I'm basically setting myself up for suicide.

Harry: *sniff* Noes, not my bestest friendly-friend in the whole wide world!

Hermione: What are you guys talking about?

Harry: …We just explained what Ron is going to do. Your intelligence has really taken a nosedive since Devil's Snare, hasn't it.

Ron: It's actually worse in the books, where she's even dumb then and forgets she's a freaking witch. Which is a pity, now the eighth film won't be able to make that joke when I forget I'm a wizard, because they totally gonna included the Whomping Willow in that.

Hermione: Huh. Maybe that's why the filmmakers gave me so much screentime and everyone else's lines in the later films, to make up for me being stupid here.

Ron: ...So remember the part where I'm sacrificing myself and stuff?

Hermione: Oh, right. BEHOLD MAH POUTY-FACE.

Ron: Harry, it's you the series is named after, I know it! Not me, not Hermione, you.

Harry: …There really is no way to make fun of this scene, this really is one of those moments where you really prove your worth as a character. Go ahead, mate.

Ron: Right, see you when I'm conscious at the end of the film! Now, behold as I call out an actual believable chess move for a knight to make. We usually move in L shapes, not just go one space forward. Maybe whoever translated it from British to American should've researched that much when they were editing a giant freaking important chess game.

Audience who's seen this film far too many times: *hums along with the music* Dadada-da, dadada-dadada-da, dadada-da, dadada-dadada-da… *...okay, guess that was just me then...*

Ron: Check. *white queen starts moving toward him* I instantly regret this decision.

Harry: Okay, this is taking too freaking long, just get on with it!

Ron: Oh, so you really do want me to get hurt and/or possibly die? That's lovely, Harry.

Harry: No, it's not that, the suspense is just killing me. If it's something unpleasant, most people would prefer it over and done with as quickly as possible, don't you want this to be over with, too?

Ron: Hmm, you've got a point there—

HORSIE!: Ow in the side.

Ron: Crap. You know, most parodies make fun of me for only falling a short way, but there are giant hunks of broken marble all over this damn board that I could've easily bashed my head against. Bleah.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!

Hermione: I'm coming for you, my love!

Harry: Apparently we haven't taught you how to actually play chess yet in this version, and I don't think this particular game we're playing allows take-backs.

Hermione: Well hurry the fuck up then!

Harry: Yeah, yeah. Hey, cool, it is possible for me to move three spaces in a row, technically! Sweet. Checkmate, bitch!

White king: I AM SYMBOLICALLY CASTRATED.

Harry: Good for you, we need to see to our possibly dead friend now.

Ron: It's cool, I'm just unconscious.

Harry: Oh thank Rowling. Actually, I guess it does kind of make sense we never play chess again in the films, seeing as this was pretty damn traumatizing. Anywho, I has to go beat Voldemort now, alone as always, so could you be a dear and go take Ron to the hospital wing and GET DUMBLEDORE BACK HERE ALREADY?

Hermione: And now for a line that'll convince the H/Hr shippers that we're destined to be together. Still, at least we're not hugging like in the book, that would just be awkward.

Harry: Yeah, but I always thought it was a bit odd that you outright stated there was something more important than books.

Hermione: Okay, I just saw one of my pretty much only friends get hurt and another one is basically off to die on his own! Of course I'd try to say something encouraging, even if I don't seem to follow through on what I said during most of the rest of the series! Jesus!

Harry: …I'm gonna leave now.

Hermione: Kay, byes!

~Okay, why do some people start shipping these guys this early in? They're eleven and twelve. That's disgusting.~

Review or the White Queen will turn into the White Witch from Narnia and PEEL ALL OF YOUR POTATOES!


	10. Teh VOLDEQUIRRELL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie, book or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist, Anchorman, The Shining, Star Wars, Dragonball Z Abridged, or Rifftrax.

~This chapter probably has more references to the musicals than any other chapter, including the second one.~

Quirrell: We've done it, my Lord! We've successfully lured Harry Potter down here so that he may retrieve the Stone for us!

Voldemort: Yes, I know, Quirrell, I hear. Everything. You. Hear!

Harry: OMFG, you mean that the guy who seemed so evil an eleven-year-old could tell he was evil was actually a red herring?! Who'da thunk it?!

Quirrell: Indeed, since it is Alan Rickman, you'd think he would be the bad guy. This series can really fuck with your mind like that.

Harry: Hold up, didn't Snape try to kill me that one time?

Quirrell: Nope! That was so totally me! And trust me, if that half of the stadium hadn't exploded, I would have succeeded! Even with Snape also spontaneously knowing wandless magic for some reason!

Harry: Snape was…trying to save me? Wow, I've got to ask Dumbledore about that later, maybe he'll know why.

Steve Kloves: HA! Good one! Next you'll be asking where you got your Invisibility Cloak from!

Book readers: ...Eh, we've got more important crap to bitch about.

Quirrell: Considering you were an infant when you defeated my master, I knew you were a danger to me. Imagine what you could do ten years later, even if you do seem like a totally average wizard. Then you kind of defeated Gary and it was confirmed; you were the hero of the story, so I had to really exercise caution considering I'm the host for the villain.

Harry: Technically, Ron took him out — Wait, you were late to the feast 'cause you were letting the troll in?! Again, I am in complete shock! And I'm stuttering worse than you for some reason!

Quirrell: Oh yeah, Gary and I go way back. Fantastic poker player, got a Ph.D. in psychology, but he really wants to become an astronaut one day.

Harry: …What did the professors do with the troll anyway?

Quirrell: Iunno. Unfortunately, Snape is kind of a master Legilimens and could see through me quite easily, though most of my mind was protected by the one sharing my brain, so I don't know if he found anything other than me wanting the Stone. Either that, or Dumbledore — who, BTW, knew I was really freaking suspicious from the beginning — told him shit was up, but whatever. Point is, he went after the Stone before I did, got his leg mangled, and I guess we'd got on pretty well before I quit Muggle Studies, since I say he never trusted me again as if there was trust between us to begin with. But yeah, he started stalking me quite a bit after that, but then again, I have someone watching absolutely everything I do and knowing every thought that passes through my brain anyway, so it was nothing new, really.

Harry: Creepy. Also ow-face.

Quirrell: Now, I totally didn't read this part, what the hell does this mirror do?

Harry: Oh don't mind me, I'm just gonna stand here like a complete dumbass, hope that's okay.

Quirrell: Yeah, that's fine. I see what I desire. I see an animated remake of the septology made in Japan or at least in a Japanese anime style type thing like Avatar: The Last Airbender or something where they actually got character descriptions right and they teamed up with Warner Bros. to recreate Hogwarts and all the other locations and they used the original soundtracks from the films and they get as many actors as possible from the movies to do the voice acting for the characters and it includes every single little detail from the books leaving absolutely nothing out so there would be none of the plot holes left by the original films. Also there's a distinct lack of fanservice, that's nice. But how does that help me get to the Stone?

Voldemort: There's a convenient stereo system in this room that broadcasts my voice, it's rather creepy. So yeah, get Harry to do it and stuff.

Quirrell: M'kay. ALLOW ME TO SHOUT AT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE STANDING LIKE SIX FEET AWAY AND I COULD'VE JUST TALKED TO YOU LIKE NORMAL!

Harry: *walks really, really stiffly over to the mirror with his hands at his sides; this is the most fluid Dan's acting will ever get 'till the last one. Two. Whatever*

Quirrell: …Well that was a bit odd, but anyway, what do you see?

Harry: Iunno, apparently it takes five minutes to nail a vision down.

Harry's reflection: Hey, Dr. Marcoh had one left, so here you go! *pulls Philosopher's Stone out of his pocket*

Harry: Le GASP! Wait, what about Mustang?

Harry's reflection: This is a parody and no one even reads Fullmetal Alchemist, just roll with it.

Harry: Oh, okay. Hey, I haz a thingy!

Quirrell: …Why are you talking to yourself, what are you seeing?

Harry: …I see you being played by David Thewlis, since he said he originally auditioned for the part of Quirrell. And because of that, I'm seeing Remus being played by Ian Hart, it's quite weird, actually.

Voldemort: Yeah no, not only is that so totally not believable, but your delivery is absolutely terrible. I get you're like really young, but honestly, learn to act!

Quirrell: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!

Voldemort: Let me talk to him.

Quirrell: Even though I should really know better than to disobey you, I'm gonna protest and say you're not strong enough.

Voldemort: I should kill you for that, but you'll be dead in mere minutes anyway…and I've already been talking for quite a while now, so nyah.

Quirrell: Sigh, fine. *unwraps turban*

Harry: Seriously, why aren't I running for it, I know I'm supposed to be terrified out of my mind, but I sure don't look it.

Voldemort: Heeeere's Johnny!

Harry: AAAAAAH—hey, cool, your eyes are actually red right now! Also OHMAHGOD YOU HAVE A NOSE.

Voldemort: Yes, it's amazing how canonical you can look when you're portrayed in CGI instead of an actual actor. But yeah, it kind of sucks having to leech off another guy's soul like this, even if we can get twice as drunk this way.

Quirrell: *bursts into song* It's a comedy of sorts/When you're bound to Voldemoooort!

Voldemort: *bursts into song* And I'm happy as a squirrel/Long as I'm with Mr. Quirrell!

Quirrell and Voldemort: We'll lead 'em to the slaughter/And we'll murder Harry Potter/We're differeeeeeeent, differeeeeeent, different, different, as can be!

Harry: What a marvelous display, I'm very impressed.

Voldemort: Yeah, so I know there's a whole 'nuther ritual I can do to get my body back, but I'd rather not have to wait another three years, so now I must make the obligatory joke: Is that the Philosopher's Stone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Harry: The hell would I be happy to see you?

Voldemort: Good point. Wow, that's like ridiculously convenient then. Thank you, Mirror of Deus Ex Machina!

Harry: Yeah, Imma run away now.

Voldemort: Uh, no.

Quirrell: Ooooh, snap!

Harry: Lame. Wow, fire. At least they kind of included that reference to Snape's challenge except not really at all.

Voldemort: So gimme the Stone and I'll let you live, as I must fulfill this Evil Guy Cliché thing, when really it would just be better to kill you now and just take it and stuff.

Harry: Hmm, let me think about—no.

Voldemort: Hah, a suicidal streak! Your parents had it too, which might be a part of why they died.

Harry: It's called bravery, douchebag.

Voldemort: Yeah, that's what most Gryffindors say, except for that one guy who saw reason and joined me, betraying your parents and their bestest friendly-friends in the process.

Harry: Wait, what?

Voldemort: Never mind, so wouldn't it be awesome if I could do what so many fanfics have attempted and bring your folks back for you? I'll need the Stone for that, though, it's the only thing…

Harry: Damn it, I know you're the embodiment of all that is evil in this series second only to Dolores Umbridge, but that's just so tempting. Hi Mum, hi Dad!

James and Lily: Hey, we're still dead! Isn't that hysterical?

Voldemort: I know, right? 'Sides, there is no good and evil, there is instead some bullshit philosophy I managed to convince Quirrell with. I think I'd be better off with explaining it was all about points of view, whatever the Star Wars franchise has become at least that idea was decent enough, even if it wasn't really fleshed out at all. So I should probably attempt to remain patient with you, but instead I think I'll freak out and demand you hand it over already.

James and Lily: Byes, see you in three and then six years!

Harry: ...You've just been making shit up, haven't you?

Voldemort: That is such an unfounded accusation! YOU MUST DIE!

Quirrell: Whoa, we're foreshadowing for the seventh book by having me fly! That's freaking awesome, who would've seen that coming? Most people just thought it was a cheap thing for the movies to do, but it actually makes sense! And now for another obligatory joke: Does Quirrell have to choke a bitch?

iheartmwpp: And yet I don't think I've seen either of the obligatory jokes in any other parodies, at least not for the first film, that I've seen.

Harry: ...Can we actually show this in a kids film? And what happened to my mother's blood protection, I thought that extended to all of me, including my neck just in case crap like this happened. It worked in the book, what the hell?

Quirrell: Dude, we might actually win!

Voldemort: Damn it, you know you're never supposed to say things like that! That's it, the next guy better not be an incompetent idiot!

Peter: Um…

Voldemort: Sigh.

Harry: Get off, you bastard! *grabs Quirrell's hand*

Quirrell: Oh God, not the hands! Bad touch, bad touch!

Harry: …Okay…how the hell did that happen?

Quirrell: What is this magic? Seriously, I'm kind of disintegrating, what the hell did you just do?

Voldemort: Okay, I did not put up with an entire year of listening to you stutter and watching you wipe your butt daily just to have this plan be inevitably foiled in the end! Get the damn MacGuffin so we can get out already!

Quirrell: Huh, you'd think I'd be in more shock or pain or something, but whatever. Observe as I attempt to listen to the voice on the back of my head that tells me to do things.

Harry: So…when I touch him with my hands, he turns to stone and starts crumbling away. Currently, he is attempting to obtain an object that will prove to be useless to everyone in the end. The most logical thing to do in this situation would be to GRAB HIS FACE!

Quirrell: NO NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

Voldemort: This smarts a bit.

Quirrell: Well, I've given up all hope, so I'll just lunge for you one last time before I am completely obliterated. And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Harry: Oh…Oh my God, I…I've taken a…a human life! Dear God, what have I done, I…I just killed someone! Oh no, no, no, no, how can I—how could I? This is a children's movie, they can't…the book just burned him when I touched him, he never…I was unconscious, when Voldemort left him he died, that was all, I never…This isn't canon, right? I didn't actually…kill him, did I? Oh no, I…I can't go to Azkaban, I'd never survive! The dementors would suck out my soul as soon as I got there, I wouldn't even get a chance to say hi to Sirius before…wait, can minors even be sent to Azkaban? Everything else in this damn place is so fucking backward, I wouldn't be surprised…Maybe…maybe I could claim it was in self-defense? He was strangling me, and I clearly had no idea I could kill people just by touching them—Oh God I can never touch anyone ever again! What if I ended up accidentally killing someone?! I have to wear gloves for the rest of my life! And I'm only eleven, I'll never be able to get over this! I AM TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE! Oh hey, a rock.

Voldemort: There is really no reason for me to suddenly become a semi-transparent blob of the remaining portion of my soul, but we have to make you unconscious somehow! WHEEEEEEE!

Harry: ...Did he just insert another portion of his soul into me? *shudders* Jesus, I feel violated. *is unconscious*

Rifftrax: Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.

Camera: *zooms in on the Philosopher's Stone even though it's really not that important at all*

~I've been looking for a way to do that Ian Hart vs. David Thewlis thing all parody!~

Harry: I have awakened in an unknown location. And I immediately look over for my glasses, which I seem to be perfectly able to locate despite not being able to notice any of the other crap on my bedside table. Daniel Radcliffe really needs to work on faking not being able to see without glasses. Hey, candy!

Dumbledore: Yo, whut up, HP? Nice load, but hopefully your rabid fangirls haven't laced them with anything yet, you're only freaking eleven after all, it'd be quite creepy.

Harry: Rabid fangirls?

Dumbledore: Harry, you should know by now that you won't even be able to have one private thought to yourself for the next six years, absolutely everyone will know about it.

Harry: …What about when I hit puberty?

Dumbledore: Yes, you'll be sixteen, bit of a late bloomer, there. And while it's never specifically detailed — this is a children's series, after all — it is most certainly hinted at in Book Six.

Harry: Joy.

Dumbledore: Ah, what a thoughtful boy your friend Ronald is! You almost died and, though we never say it in this version, were in a three-day coma, and he ups and steals all your candy. With a few tiny little examples like this, it's no wonder certain sections of the fandom make him an uncaring bastard whose only concern is food despite massive heaps of evidence to the contrary.

Harry: Despite you having just said that Ron ate all my chocolate, I have to ask if he's all right. Which kind of does make sense, just because he's conscious doesn't have to mean he's perfectly okay. Oh, and Hermione too.

Dumbledore: Well, though Ron did suffer a bit of a concussion which iheart is making up on the spot to make it a bit realistic considering he did get bashed across the face in the book and probably hit himself on some random chunk of marble in the film, those types of injuries have absolutely no weight here, we can just wave our wands and it goes away immediately.

Harry: Cool, I can't wait to learn stuff like that, that'll be really useful when Voldemort comes back and everything goes to hell!

Dumbledore: Actually you'll find that very few things we teach you will be useful. I mean, Book Six, Voldemort's back, the war's in full swing, Fenrir Greyback's being his usual fun self, people are dying all over the place…And McGonagall's teaching you all how to turn your eyebrows different colors. All right, Transfiguring the face is a good method of disguise if you don't have boatloads of Polyjuice Potion on hand, which you will anyway, but eyebrows? Who the hell looks at those things anyhow? Just trim them, or shave 'em off and draw new ones like half the women at college seemed to.

Harry: Change of topic, what happened to the Stone?

Dumbledore: Relax, dear boy. The Stone has been destroyed, making everything you've just done, including nearly killing yourself and your friends, entirely worthless. My friend Nicholas and I have had a little chat about how I was a complete and total idiot for putting the thing in a school full of children who Voldemort could easily slaughter on his way to getting it, not to mention how we really should've tested it to, at the very least, make it first-year proof.

Harry: But Flamel will die, won't he?

Dumbledore: Yeah, but since it's off-screen/page it doesn't matter. Like your parents, and half the guys in the last book, no one cares about them either!

iheartmwpp: *is currently bawling her eyes out*

Harry: So I know the Mirror is a Deus Ex Machina, but I'd still like to know exactly how I got the MacGuffin.

Dumbledore: Ah, you see, only a person who wanted to find the Stone—

Random Hufflepuff: *walks in* FIND! *walks out*

Dumbledore: …Anyway, if they wanted to find it but not use it, they'd be able to get it. Like how Voldemort and Quirrell wanted to use the Stone, so they never would've been able to get at it. Then you came over and didn't want to use it and nearly got killed for it. I'm such a genius.

Harry: So…Voldemort's gone for good and stuff now, right?

Dumbledore: Dude, I know it's only been a year since you found out magic exists, but you've got to realize that magic can do lot of shit and there are probably dozens of ways he can come back.

Harry: What sort of ways—

Dumbledore: ABRUPT CHANGE OF TOPIC EVEN THOUGH IF YOU KNEW SOME OF THOSE METHODS YOU COULD PREPARE AND MAKE SURE THEY DON'T HAPPEN! Do you know why Professor Quirrell was turned to dust and died when you touched him?

Harry: *pales * Oh my God, that really happened? It wasn't a nightmare? *starts sobbing* No, no, no, no, this can't be happening, I-I really did k-kill someone! Professor, please, I d-didn't mean to, I had no idea that would h-happen, and he was trying to k-kill me and I thought something actually important would happen if he got the Stone so I couldn't l-let him get it and I didn't…Professor, please, I c-can't go to Azkaban, I just can't, I'm so s-scared, I didn't mean to—

Dumbledore: Whoa, chill out, we're pretending the whole thing never happened and it'll never be brought up again, don't worry about it.

Harry: Oh, okay then. So yeah, why?

Dumbledore: It was because of your mother, who's really the one who should be famous, since without her you wouldn't have survived anyway, because she sacrificed herself for you.

Harry: Wait, so everyone whose mother sacrifices themselves for their children gives them the ability to turn their enemies to stone with a touch?

Dumbledore: …No, Lily was just in a unique circumstance. Voldemort told her to get out of the way so he could kill you, but she wouldn't budge, so he zapped her and tried to zap you and failed, because of your mother's specific kind of sacrifice. It left a mark.

Harry: I poke at mah scar.

Dumbledore: Not that kind, it's really a cheesy and yet heartwarming love thing, actually. 'Sides, it only works on evil people, not that we'll ever see it being used again, but there you go.

Harry: I still don't get it, though. Why would Voldemort bother to tell Mum to get out of the way, and why would he want to kill me in the first place?

Dumbledore: …Ah, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!

Harry: Wait, you didn't answer my questions! For that matter, why did Snape—

Dumbledore: Professor Snape.

Harry: Whatever, why did he try to save me during that Quidditch match? Hell, why didn't you, you were actually there in this version! And where did I get my Invisibility Cloak from?

Dumbledore: I said, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans! For some reason, eating vomit-flavored candies causes one to not really want to eat them much anymore.

Harry: Way to leave me hanging until the end of my lack of seventh year for the most part, you manipulative prick.

What follows: *is one of the scenes that always comes to mind when I think of this film, and also the moment that cements Richard Harris as Dumbledore forever in my mind. It's absolutely perfect. Therefore, since there absolutely no way for me to comfortably make fun of this line or its delivery…*

Dumbledore: Alas! Earwax!

~Sorry, but in my opinion, Michael Gambon just never had a chance of measuring up.~

Review or you will never get that rocket ship to Pigfarts!


	11. Teh OH YEAH, THIS IS FAIR

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, any other movie, book or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical…And Rifftrax. Yeah, that's it. Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are.

~So the awesometastic scene with Ron during the holidays was deleted, but this pointless thirty-second number wasn't? Uncool, people, uncool!~

Harry: Holy crap, I'm alive!

Ron and Hermione: Huzzah!

Harry: Hey, Ron! You didn't die either!

Ron: I know, isn't it awesome?

Harry: It sure is, Ron. It sure is. Hey Hermione, you have a headband!

Hermione: Yep, I know I'm canonically not supposed to change my hair till the Yule Ball, but who cares when we look so freaking adorable?

Harry: Indeed.

~And then they all grew up, Emma becoming ridiculously hot, Rupert still maintaining his adorkableness, and Dan…meh.~

The Great Hall: *has been completely spray-painted green*

Gryffindors: Damn we suck. Stupid first years…

McGonagall: *picks up some random unnamed colleague and throws them out the window to get students' attention*

Dumbledore: So. This year, the good guys have the lowest point total, the bad guys have the highest point total, and no one cares about the other two groups so I won't bother mentioning them.

Ravenclaws: *pout*

Hufflepuffs: Sadly, we don't FIND this surprising at all.

Slytherins: DAMN WE'RE AWESOME!

Snape: I am clearly overjoyed. *raises the roof*

Malfoy: What now, bitches?! WOOT WOOT!

Ron and Hermione: ...Harry, why are you clapping?

Harry: Iunno.

Malfoy: Nyah, nyah, nyah nyah, nyaaaah!

Harry: Wow, we really are just in middle school, aren't we.

Dumbledore: Yes, well done, Slytherin, well done, Slytherin—HOWEVER! I have not yet proven how blatantly I favor Gryffindor now that Harry Potter's arrived at the school and was sorted there!

Snape: …Wut.

Dumbledore: We must correct this by handing out last minute points to a bunch of Gryffindor students for defying school rules, attacking another student, and nearly getting themselves killed. We could say it was because they saved the world, but the fact remains that Voldemort would never have gotten to the Stone if Harry hadn't shown up, so that's pointless. So yeah, I'll just let Slytherin suffer the delusion that they've won the largely pointless anyway contest thing, before yanking the victory out from under them and offering it to the preferred House. *smiles widely* And we wonder why they all turn evil later. *laughs uproariously*

Slytherins: Yeah, you know, maybe if you had awarded them points for being idiots before the closing feast where we already had our colors up, we wouldn't feel as cheated. Marginally, but still less.

Dumbledore: To Miss Hermione Granger…for cunning use of explosives and noncanon spells when others were in grave peril…

Ron: I smile adoringly at you, please have my children.

Hermione: Fine, but can we name one of them Hugo?

Ron: *vomits*

Dumbledore: 34,075,576 points.

Harry: Good job! *slaps Hermione on the back, sending her face-first into a banana-crème pie*

Hagrid: D'aww, I love my only friends who are a good sixty years younger than me.

Slytherins: WTF?! We got to bask in the glory of us winning and he just takes it away just like that and humiliates the lot of us in front of the entire school?! The old manipulative bastard, GO TO HELL.

Gryffindors: Sweet! We won! Dumbledore doesn't have to do anything else with a 34,075,526 lead! Though it'd be nice if he did anyway…hint, hint…

Dumbledore: Okay! Second, to Mr. Ronald Weasley!

Ron: Wha…He's acknowledging the fact that I exist?

Harry: He's acknowledging the fact that you exist!

Dumbledore: For a really epic game of chess and a brilliant Crowning Moment of Awesome…97,543,885 points.

Gryffindors: We've never been this far ahead before! This has got to be a record!

Slytherins: We hate anything and everything you stand for.

Dumbledore: Third, to Mr. Harry Potter…for leading two other students into almost certain death, after you should've been in bed, when it was absolutely pointless for you to do so…

Malfoy: I'm pouting! And I'm also adorable, look at my cute little eleven-year-old self!

Dumbledore: I award Gryffindor House—

Slytherins: No, really. We had no idea.

Dumbledore: 30,597,340,759,230,587 points.

Gryffindor: Well, even though we only really deserve the points gained by Ron and Hermione, we're not gonna complain!

Hermione: There's no freaking way we'll lose now, we're ahead of Slytherin by 30,597,340,890,849,898 points!

Ron: Okay, there's no way you could've done that without a scientific calculator.

Hermione: Honestly, Ron, it's simple arithmetic.

Ron: That's not simple!

Dumbledore: And finally—

Slytherins: What, more? That's it, most of us are joining Voldemort when he gets back. Just FYI, this is all your fault.

Dumbledore: Kay, have fun with that. Anyway, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but—wait, "just as much"? What's wrong with my book self? You need a lot more balls to stand up to your friends, what kind of role model am I? Anyway, for having more balls than anyone else, I award 8,724,089,652,034,756,203,487,562,043,956,140,561,034,875,610,348,756 points to Neville Longbottom!

Neville fans: WOOOOOOOOO!

iheartmwpp: I know Dumbledore is freaking omniscient at this point, but I still gotta ask how he freaking knew about that. And for that matter, how did Neville finally get the hex off? Did a teacher eventually come in later and do it for him and he told him what he did and that's how Dumbledore knew? Or did Hermione's spell just wear off eventually, that would make sense I guess, for all her knowledge she's still just a first year—

Gryffindor: WHO THE BLOODY HELL CARES ABOUT THAT WHEN WE'RE CELEBRATING FIRST-YEAR AWESOMENESS!

Dumbledore: Yeah, you know I totally needed an excuse to make Gryffindor win, after all!

McGonagall: But we already won in this overblown parody version…not that I'm complaining or anything!

Snape: I'm pouting. *pouts*

Slytherins: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

All Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws: NEITHER DO WE BUT IT'S AWESOME!

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws: Wait, I get that we're glad Slytherin lost, but why are we celebrating this hard for the Gryffindors? Shouldn't we have at least a little House pride?

Gryffindor: That's nice, now CHEER FOR US, SLAVES!

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws: Sigh, fine.

Dumbledore: Since I have a shitload of power, it can actually make sense for me to perform wandless magic to completely spray paint the Great Hall red this time! Which, I feel compelled to remind you, is your only reward for winning this year. Aren't you special.

Gryffindors: YEAH WE ARE! WOOO, SPONTANEOUS STANDING OVATION FOR OURSELVES!

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws: WE'RE JOINING IN FOR SOME REASON!

Hagrid: FUCK YEAH! I mean…yay-face.

Slytherins: Grar.

Percy: Hey, everyone! Let's all throw our hats into the air in a decidedly stupid-looking fashion! Then we can just "forget" them later so we won't have to wear them again!

All Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws: OKAY! YAY INTER-HOUSE UNITY!

Slytherins: ...Hello?

All Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws: Oh you don't count, you're all automatically evil!

Slytherins: Well, fine! We try hard all series to make you guys like us with our sexy, sexy people, but noooo, we're always evil and nothing we can do will ever change it! Isn't that right?! Well, see if we care! We'll be evil! That's what you want, right? That's all you'll ever want! *run off crying*

Crabbe: Wait, Draco, why'd you take off your hat?

Malfoy: I JUST WANT TO BELONG!

Ron: Hey, Harry, let's mess up each other's hair for no reason!

Harry: Sounds good to me! Let the hair ruffling commence!

Seamus: Good job, Harry! *shakes Harry's hand…and explodes*

EVERYONE EVER: Wow. Shocker.

Harry: And I smile up at my first friendly-friend…Why do I still have these scratches, Madam Pomfrey should've healed them instantly, like every injury we ever get. Next you'll be telling me we actually show signs of wear and tear for a few scenes after the fact, and I'm not counting Malfoy's scratch turned overblown injury type thing dude guy place.

Hagrid: Funny story 'bout tha'…

Lee: Yay I'm jumping up and down like an idiot…and I also appear to be your height despite the fact that I should be a third year…

~And no one ever had to wear those hats again. And there was much rejoicing.~

Hagrid: GO AWAY, NO ONE WANTS ANY O' YEH! THAT'S WHY YER PARENTS AND GUARDIANS ALL SENT YEH HERE IN THE FIRS' PLACE, IT WAS TER GET YEH OUTTA THEIR HAIR! AND NONE OF US WANT YEH EITHER, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

Hedwig: No, no! Don't leave me with this guy, don't you know the baggage handlers love owl meat! No, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Harry: *stares longingly at the giant man grabbing small children by the hair and chucking them miles away where no one will ever find them*

Hermione: Harry, come on, you don't want to end up like that too, do you?

Harry: I won't, Hagrid actually likes me.

Hermione: If you say so…

Harry: Hagrid, my first ever friendly-friend! I've come to say good-bye!

Hagrid: Yeah, some friend you are, yeh only come 'round an' visit me when the plot demands it!

Harry: That's not true, we tried helping out with Buckbeak in Book Three! Well, Hermione and eventually Ron did, at any rate…

Hagrid: Uh-huh, an' the fact tha' Sirius needed Buckbeak ter escape makes me think you guys didn' exactly try all tha' hard.

Harry: Oh come on, like we could've seen that coming!

Hagrid: All right, all right, anyway, 'ave this photo album o' yer parents, only one (well, I guess two) o' which'll be shown in the films an' only one of which will be described in the books. An' tha' particular description was just o' Sirius anyway. Makes one wonder wha' exactly those pictures showed, yeh'd think there were at least a couple o' James an' the other three, but I guess Sirius had the only one they ever took together glued ter his wall. Otherwise, Iunno, maybe yeh might've recognized Remus when he showed up, or asked after the other people shown so yeh could find out more about yer parents, but nooooo, this is just one in a series o' completely useless objects I give yeh, isn't it?

Harry: Seems that way. Huh, you know, if it weren't for the Mirror, I'd have no idea who these people were. That'd be awkward, wouldn't it?

Hagrid: Yep, now shake my hand, bitch.

Harry: Nope! GLOMP!

Hagrid: …That works too. Oh, and be sure ter threaten yer cousin with violent death over the summer fer me!

Rifftrax: Ha, it's healthy for a child to live in constant fear of a relative.

Harry: Um, despite what the beginning of Film Three did for some ungodly reason, we're actually not allowed to use magic outside of school.

Hagrid: Yeah, that's why I said threaten. Though you'd think tha' Tuney would know abou' tha' law, havin' had ter put up with Lily probably complainin' abou' it at home. Anyway, GTFO.

Harry: All right, already, sheesh!

Hermione: I should say that it feels strange to be going home, but really, we'll be back here in, like, two months, so whatever.

Harry: Yeah really. Besides, Hogwarts was the first place where I actually met people who gave a crap about my existence, so it feels more like home than the Dursleys ever did.

Book readers: …But I thought the blood-protection crap only worked if Harry called that place home. Does that mean it's null and void now?

Ron: Damn it, why don't I ever have lines in parts like this.

Hagrid: Okay, bye all! See yeh next year and crap! No, seriously, it'll be another year before the next movie comes out, but at least we won't have ter wait two years or have it almost come out an' then suddenly be moved ter another eight months later fer absolutely no reason other than ter make supposedly more money, tha' would be so stupid.

Harry: Look at how cute I am when I'm waving like this, I will never be this adorable again!

Hagrid: Ain't tha' the truth.

Credits: *roll*

Obsessive book readers that will never be satisfied: That was horrible! They didn't even include the beginning with the Dursleys or all the other times Harry performed accidental magic or when Uncle Vernon took them to that hotel and they still got letters or Hagrid shouting or any of the other shops in Diagon Alley or Malfoy's first appearance or the Sorting Hat's song or any of the other kids getting sorted or the school song or any of Harry's other classes or the owls delivering mail during breakfast or any of the Quidditch practices or that other game where Snape was referee or Charlie's friends picking up Norbert or Neville going into the forest with them instead of Ron or everyone hating them because of the loss of House Points or Peeves in general or Quirrel and Snape's tasks or half of Dumbledore's explanations or the train ride home or the interaction with the Dursleys at the end! And that's only what we can think of right now, we're sure there are more!

Movie watchers: …Wut.

iheartmwpp: All without looking at the book, people! My existence is truly depressing.

Book readers who can usually be mostly satisfied: Uh-huh, but aside from perhaps the other half of Dumbledore's yearly explanations, the other stuff really isn't all that bad—

Obsessive book readers who will never be satisfied: We're not done yet! The Durselys should've been blond, Ron should've been taller, Hermione's supposed to have buck teeth at this point, and Harry's hair should be black and messy and his eyes should be green!

Book readers who can usually be mostly satisfied: …Kay, we'll give you that last one, but honestly, get over it. They're two different mediums, so there will inevitably be differences between the two.

Film Three: *comes out*

ALL book readers: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

~End~

REVIEW OR UR OWL ASPLODE! Ah, what a beautiful way to end a fic…


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